The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

The Girl Who Gives A Fuck

Singing myself to sleep and you're still my favorite melody.

My body hurts everywhere. In hindsight, jam packing two days full of activities with only three hours of sleep in between was probably the worst idea imaginable but I still went with it, didn't I? I had a fitful thirteen hours of sleep last night, give or take a few hours. Woke up at around eleven at night due to a terrible stomach ache, probably because my diet has been nothing my soup and Coke and coffee for the past few days (just had my braces tightened, as I may have mentioned, and it hurts a lot to eat solid food so I have been surviving on Campbell's, what of it?). Zaza asked me during road-run yesterday whether I actually have to go to the dentist to change the bands or whether I... do it myself. Zaza cannot be Prime Minister. This I am sure of. 

Speaking of road-run, it was all right. I didn't push myself even though I could. I just did what I could. Hanna pushed herself to borderline delirium so I'm glad I kept it on the chill side. Overall, I didn't arrive all that late, but what sucked was the fact that when it was my turn to get my cup of 100 Plus from the line, teacher announced that they were out of 100 Plus. Cue half an hour of waiting in line for bubble tea because Pn. Rachel kept giving them to people behind me. 

I would love it if Blue House could have gotten first and if we don't win it all on Sports Day, I will be sad, for sure, but fact of the matter is, I don't really care. I mean, it's just a school competition between groups of students and if I don't care about the student body, much less the school, then I wouldn't expect anymore out of myself. Would it be nice to be a good runner and win something for a change? Sure, but I'm not. Maybe if I cared more... but I don't. So there you go. 

I was tired but it didn't start hurting until after I went home from Hope. And speaking of Hope, it started out super awkward and I can't just miraculously start announcing that I like kids now but I think that once you get past the diapers and screaming for no reason and they can't talk so you have no fucking clue what they want stage, it's all right. The youngest children at Hope were six and this one girl couldn't speak English beyond a "Come, come!" as she dragged me around the place, asking us to run. I had my best semi-fake smile plastered on because I didn't want to be a jackass but overall, I felt humbled and grateful, as a trip such as this should make you feel. And at the end of the day, I left with a genuine smile on my face so I can't say the same for everyone (because Nazureen obviously has something against children - or maybe it's just that one kid who kept on tugging on her camera bag) but I'd like to go there again. Also, they kept calling us sister and most of them genuinely thought that Nisa, Nina and I were Chinese (Nina I'd understand) so I felt a bit like a Chinese nun throughout the visit. 

Conclusion: I am a very good actress, actually. I surprise even myself sometimes. Pretending to be full of spirit while shouting my lungs out after road-run? Done to perfection. Pretending to tolerate children? I'd give myself an A+ and a slap on the back, as well! Divyia even said that she thought I was good with kids. Good God, it felt weird just typing that out. 

I don't have anything else to say. Well, I do have one thing I'd like to say but I can't say it on here can I? Because then people would come up to me and start saying things I don't want to hear. Other than being grateful that my parents are my parents (regardless of their shortcomings and, well, my own shortcomings as well), I am grateful to have the friends that I have. I am grateful that I don't like you that way anymore and instead I can be happy for you like a real friend should be happy for another friend. And I am grateful that after all these years of searching for yourself, you've finally found someone who can help make you feel better about yourself. 

Here's to hoping that the future will bring you guys (and me as well!) many more happy times! 

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