The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Some Are The Beat

Like an Interlude, but with more thought behind it. 

So she said that I was different and that I matter. And then now here we are, in this uncomfortable limbo-like situation wherein neither of us can say that anymore because it doesn't apply to anyone in this friendship. Not anymore. I said that I'll always be there for her, no matter what, but saying that now is like saying I'm going to one day become President of the United States. It's a useless statement and it doesn't matter how much emotion I put behind those words because it will never be true. And even if I break down in front of her, it won't matter because we've taken a hundred steps back. Even if she says that she'll always be there for me, it's not true. It wasn't true then and it's definitely not true right now.

And she said don't. She said I'll regret it. But I don't know what I regret anymore. I mean, right now? I regret a lot of things. But this is a bit of a gray area for me because to be honest, I know I'm being petty and unfair and I'm just trying to stir shit up but it doesn't matter anymore because she's not here to tell me to stop, to tell me that I'll regret doing the things that I'm doing. I don't exactly regret the way I acted towards you last year, because it was childish and it was stupid but at the same time, it's like this: you've got to realize how insensitive you can be sometimes and coming from me, I know this probably means nothing but all the same. All the same, you make me feel like crap and after all of that, you still expect me to help you out? I know that I'm not all that nice to you all the time but I treat everyone the same. Well, except for her. I know she said that I treat her differently and it's true, I do. And I have no idea why that's so. Probably because I've always looked up to her as someone I could never be and that's just that. I mean, we can completely ignore it now because it's no longer relevant but still. I'm saying this because I don't want you to think that I'm being unfair. I have reasons for doing the things that I do. I don't just go around denying people things they have a right to. You don't have a right to this. 

Yeah, so, was I supposed to think that that was nothing? I don't know, I mean, I know it's stupid, I know it doesn't really even matter in the grand scheme of things but from where I am right now, I can't help but ask this question over and over again. Was I supposed to think that all that was nothing? I think so. I think that that's really how the universe works. 

A year in and I still remember everything and it's odd, to say the least. I don't have that good of a relationship with my memory but surprisingly, most of these things stick. And to think that I'm going to have to go through that, sit next to that, talk to that, be friends with that, that thing, I just feel like shooting myself in the head sometimes because it's supposed to be over and here I am, still talking about something that doesn't even have the slightest relevance to my life right now. 

It's like a living, breathing thing. It's the one thing that I will never ever forget. And it's way too close for comfort. 

You know how you shook your head and made that face and was generally very unsupportive of the idea? Well, it's not like it's happening to you, okay? You don't know what it feels like and I don't want to be the asshole here and say that I do but I'm living it right now. You can't be the fairytale princess anymore than I can. Those things don't exist and I have no clue where you get off, and get off quite high and mightily, might I add, but I'm living proof that these things do happen. It's confusing but it's just another one of those things I have to get through.

They know, of course, and so do I. I know that it's not you I'm in love with, not really. I'm in love with the memory of you and that, more than anything, sucks the most. That's why they've never taken me seriously. Because they know that in every single context, I've got my reality and I've got my fantasies, and those two things aren't the same. 

Always, I guess? 

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