The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Sing Her To Sleep

In my mind's eye, I have selected a throne for you to sit on and I couldn't care less however long it takes for me to climb up there, but one day I will be sitting right next to you. This is my dream, one which I know will probably never come true because of you. I want this so bad and people are telling me that, no, it's not right to just go around messing with other people but I get it, and on the other end of the spectrum, he gets it as well. 

I am ecstatic, I am overjoyed, I am feeling so many things right now, coursing up my veins, making me nervous and jittery, shaky and jumpy and I just want to pace around the house for the rest of the night. I want to talk about how last night, I read the most heartbreaking story ever, I cried over it and then I cried over you because as the world works, things just aren't fair and I just needed and wanted someone to talk to but there's never anyone there. So I stood up and cried and I thought about all the feelings I've been suppressing within me for the past few months and I thought to myself, those memories were real. I created them. With you. And nothing is ever going to take that away from me. Not miscommunication, not distance, not disinterest nor disconnect. What happened, happened and no matter how scared I am to look back or to look in front, I have to remind myself that that's okay, because we'll always have our moments. We'll always be what we were even if we aren't it right now. 

I thought about that. And about how much I miss everything and about how things could have gone. And then I thought of circumstances and how if it were different, then maybe things would be better for me right now. I thought about how many people have hurt me in the past and how many people I've hurt in turn. I thought about everything I always think about before I go to sleep, the only difference being that I needed you to be there with me at the time. 

I just want to say that I can see your flaws. I just want to say that I accept them. And, for once, maybe I'd just like to hear you say that my opinion matters. 

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