The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Next To You

I'm still tired and a little sickly as well so until I get all of the crap that is my life out of way, I'll stay clear of the anything but LiveJournal (because I can't really, truly live without fanfiction - it would be like... I'm too tired to think of a smart simile now). I made a Pros and Cons list, though, because I've been feeling down about going to school lately, which is what I feel on most days but it's definitely intensified due to the fact that I can't move a muscle without it screaming in protest. 

Going To School Vs. Not Going To School

When you go to school, you lose precious hours of your life you will never get back. 
When you don't go to school, you lose like three hours of your life you will never get back sleeping (which, let's face it, is not really losing time you'll never get back but rather an investment in your mental and physical health) and then you wake up and are allowed to do things online and watch TV as well!

When you go to school, you... basically, you don't learn anything. I can't think of a pro, wait, I'll get back to this.
When you don't go to school, you have to worry about homework and in my sad and pathetic case, finding replacements. 

When you go to school, you don't have to worry about homework or replacements. 
But then again I've been in attendance for every single History lesson so far and the whole coursework thing still eludes me. So basically, if this were a debate between Myself and Myself, Not Going To School would win, hands down, flat on the ground. 

I'm happy. Really, I am. Sometimes I wonder what's the catch to being happy but then again, I know the answer to this question. There's three things that will make me undeniably and irrevocably happy and simultaneously push away the dark clouds. Three things I'll keep to myself and think about whenever the load gets a little on the heavy side and I feel like giving up. Because for the moment, I might not know what I'm working towards, I might not have a goal and all of this could be for fucking nothing, but effort goes a long way. Or at least I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that effort should at least count for something. 

I said on Sunday that it would have been nice to be up there, up front, receiving medals for my athleticism or awards for whatever it is that I do and I always ask and think to myself, 'How do they do it?' But then again, I remind myself that I'm not entirely useless. I'm not without my fair share of admirable attributes. I'm smart and freakishly so sometimes and maybe someone out there have wondered once, 'How did she do it?' I'm in the most general sense of the word, a writer, and a good one at times and maybe someone's wondered how I did that as well. I don't give a fuck and I strive for originality, strive to make myself better, stronger, and to never give up and that's one of my favorite things about myself, actually. I can only hope that one day someone would ask themselves, 'How does she do it?' because I put in the effort. I always have. 

And to D who's wondering about unanswered questions, I will assure you, heart, mind, soul and with everything I've got in me that I didn't go through what you have randomly accused me of doing (although you did it in the nicest, most condescending manner imaginable - which is so you, really). I would like you to set aside a few hours of your life apart from your ego and your pride and think it through for just a minute, read it again for just a few sentences more. I want you to know but I never want you to confront me about it. 

She's right next to her. 

And to Hel who's telling me that my life is going as great as it could go, thank you. I really need someone to put me in my place sometimes and God knows that Nisa's attitude and Maze's rainbows aren't going to do the trick. 

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