The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

It Can Be Memories

Or it can be the present 
It can be right now
but it won't be the same. 

Racking through my brain, I've come to the conclusion that there's nothing more to be said on the matter. There are a lot of matters, obviously, ranging from pressingly important to just a little less so but to be fair, there's really not much I could talk about without coming off as elusive as I have in the past. Blog entries are starting to sound more and more like thoughts I whisper back and forth with my own self. I feel all shades of pathetic but at the moment, ensconced in my little swivel chair in my own house, I don't feel all that exposed so it's really not the type of vulnerability open to the public. I've only ever been in that situation once before and all things considered, not that bad. 

Friday was a great day because... I don't remember much but it was just great. Not school. Hell no. I don't think I will ever wake up one morning and start to like school (although that might actually do me some good - as it stands right now, I go to school in the morning, muttering darkly to myself about how I hate the hellhole so in retrospect, it could completely turn my day upside down to start it off with something a little more uplifting. Generally I'm great on Wednesday mornings, though, because they rerun Glee at 6 and I don't know about you, but seeing Chris Colfer on my TV screen makes me feel happy enough to power through hell and high water). What was I talking about? Oh, right, yes, Friday. I didn't like the prefects meeting because they went off about camp, of all things; for me, it's like, God, just make up your minds, you cannot expect a bunch of adolescent fourteen to seventeen year olds to actually make up theirs (God knows even grown men and women aren't up to the task). But, like, after all that, all of school and transferring and, well, school. When Hel picked me up and we had laksa for lunch and Drama class was the best it's been all year and then that night, Hel slept over and it was just really nice. I would like to say it was like old times, but that's the thing when it comes to Helena. It's not like old times because in old times, we used to give each other all the cold shoulders in the world, both of mine broke off due to frostbites. 

I woke up on Saturday morning feeling great because not only was it a Saturday, but Hel was there in my room. And I asked my Dad for a McDonald's breakfast and he bought the whole shebang - everything McDonald's had to offer for breakfast. Drinking coffee and watching TV and then I logged onto LJ and we know that story already, so yes. It was one of the few days this year when I didn't think about how things could have been better, which in itself is so, so much of an accomplishment for me so by the end of the day, I felt truly accomplished (not only that, I finished all my work, too). My Dad went to his mother's for the weekend since my mother is off on her little trips around the world so I headed over to Ikano/Ikea/Curve again for the second time that week with my brother and his family and Helena, of course, because I can't just well leave her alone in my house. It was a riot of a time because I got partially lost and we had good food and sang Animal more times than we could count (like, seriously, I memorized the song in a span of two hours despite having listened to it only about once before - twice at most). And then there was Maze there as well so overall? Perfect Saturday. There was about a moment or two when I considered inviting Hel for a sleepover again that night with Maze in tow because my parents were both out and it's just my brother and his family, anyways, and it's just one night - what kind of shenanigans could we possibly get up to? But luckily for me, I discarded the idea as soon as it entered my thought system. 

Because when I got home my maid was literally (all right, metaphorically) rolling on the floor in pain. Apparently, she has some pancreas problems and to this day, she's in hospital (which is why I'm forced to wear my Guides uniform tomorrow because my prefects uniform are only wearable for a number of days). Moving on from that dreadful night, I spent the rest of my weekend finishing my Maths homework (harder than it looks) and admiring my work on the presentations I made the day prior. And listening to Animal. (Cheesus, I know, right? This girl? Not in her right mind). And the day ended on a semi-okay note because my mother returned from her around the world shopping excursion or whatever and she came bearing gifts! Or rather, she just bought stuff for me. Clothes stuff! Two jeans, three tops, a cardigan and flats! She said she didn't plan on buying quite that much for me (it is true that I have enough jeans) but she was in such a rush that she just accidentally bought extra things. This is a reminder for the future.

I don't know about how Monday went but it's all right for me. I mean, I kind of liked a few subjects, like maybe BM, wherein we didn't learn anything and just helped teacher with some work for the Form 2s. I kinda spaced out on everything else. But everything aside, it wasn't a bad day. And once again, YE was boring and nothing really happened. I don't know why I never get lightning strikes of genius about products and stuff like that but I really can't be fucked. Don't care, don't care to care, don't care to care to care to care. Today started off with rain and ended up with cross country practice, which was very good. Not all that tiring, but I really just lost my breath somewhere about halfway through. 

It's just another day, I suppose. Survive. 

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