The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I Have A Lot of Feelings

You know how after a war, there's always all these people filled with all these hopes and it just sucks for them to have to return to a world that actually sucks. How eloquent, right? But, no, seriously, war itself takes out a lot and I'm sure I'm not contributing to anything at all by writing all of this down. All the money, the lives, the destruction; survivors of the war actually have to go back to that. And rebuild. And it just amazes me, you know, that here I am, fighting my own individual battles and all this while, in the past, present and surely the future, there are people who are fighting for something so much bigger than themselves.

What scares is the fact that I am so indifferent sometimes. What scares me is the fact that living here and surrounding myself with these people that live in Malaysia has clouded my perception and now all I can think about is how I hate what the human race is becoming, how I've always hated what we are, what we represent, because at heart, people haven't changed all that much. What scares me is that sometimes, I turn on the television, and I just don't care.

It hurts in an untouchable way, watching all of these people suffering because honestly? Nobody leads a perfect life. Before having to deal with natural disasters and political disputes, these people were facing the same problems I am right now. Friendship and relationship troubles, family issues, God knows what else. Maybe they were just like sitting down, crying over their grades one day when a phone call came that destroyed their entire world. Maybe they were just hanging around, confused, worrying about what people would think if they did something that was out of the norm, when suddenly there's an earthquake. It's like right now, I'm writing this right now and what happens if these things actually happened to me? Of course I'd care. Of course I would think that the world was unfair and that God was unfair and everything was unfair. Even though I think about all of that right now, I still have the presence of mind, the calmness to set aside everything that's irrelevant and focus on the things I should be grateful for. 

Like Princess Mia in the movie version, I do realize how many times a day I say the word 'I'. And like the complete dick I am, I don't care. There are people out there who are naturally compassionate and I know, God put us on Earth to care for each other and to care for the Earth at the same time but I just wasn't born that way. Or maybe it came afterwards. Maybe I was programmed to be indifferent. All I know is that I'm grateful that not everyone in the entire world is like me. Not everyone's an asshole with no heart to speak of. And I'm glad that there are these people who care and who do their very best to make sure that their very best is enough for those who are suffering. I'm not one of them. I know that there's probably some other people like me out there as well. 

My heart metaphorically breaks reading and watching the news these days but the difference is that I don't feel particularly compelled to do anything. I mean, on the one hand, I know I can't. On the other, I remember this kid who had raised like a ton of money for that tsunami in Indonesia last time around. She was like five. She made the papers. Wow, even at eight or nine or however old I was then, I still felt like the biggest douchebag ever when I wouldn't give the kid my Eid money. 

I could blame my mother, of course, because I grew up against her political background. And when you're like so young and you're exposed to all of these things little kids really shouldn't be exposed to, by accident, of course, like I would listen to my mother's phone conversations and I'd look at what she had looked at online, it just sorts of puts the whole world into this dead end perspective. It sucks, to learn all about betrayal and accusations and, believe me when I say, the court of law and all of that at six, seven years of age, and while it all may be secondhand, it just really built a sturdy misanthropic foundation for my personality. 

I would change if I could. I would care more if I could. I would say sorry if I could. At any rate, raising awareness has done wonders for humanity. For those people suffering around the world? Not so much. Suffering is just something they're going to have to face. The only way out is through. And my apologizing for my lack of empathy, at this current moment, is a hundred percent useless.

(Oh, my God, I just read everything through and why am I publishing this when it just makes me come off as the biggest crapbag ever?)

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