The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Hey Kid

Maybe if I try really, really hard, I'll remember what happened last week? On Tuesday, in preparation of the night's Glee, I couldn't get Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me out of my head. I kept singing it over and over again as I went for my rounds on canteen duty. Regardless of the fact that there was sports practice, I just opted to stay at home. Studying, sleeping, pretending to do productive things and really just reading fanfiction. Wednesday was... I can't remember but there was a Guides meeting and I didn't go either. I think I had another song stuck in my head that day but I can't remember what it was. Thursday, nothing; Friday, nothing. All in all, not a week to remember. 

My sister came home on Sunday. We went out, got ice-cream, wanted to watch Black Swan, watched Glee, ordered pizza, sang Bruno Mars songs and looked for cars. Not much studying in between, so I can't say I was all that prepared for the Monday's papers of BM, Science and Islamic Studies. 

There are three things that need to be addressed regarding exams week. First off, the papers themselves. Overall, I'd say they were pretty easy. Maybe it's because not many new topics popped up (and Science and Maths - having only Form 3 topics in the papers - were quite enjoyable) or maybe it's because of something else, but it wasn't that hard. Kicked off the three-day period with BM, which, for me, was terrible. BM is the only paper in which I can second guess myself for millions of times and yet still have room for more confusion. And my Ringkasan. Oh, God. I can't believe I wasted so much correction tape. It was stupid of me, I know, because I didn't use my common sense all that much and I can only imagine what Cikgu A. has to say about that. Science wasn't bad. It was just so and so but since I can't remember most of it, I'll go with 'hopefully an A'. Islamic Studies was worthy of an A but there were still moments of complete and utter blankness on my part. 

English on Tuesday morning was fun, despite the fact that it was the stupidest English paper I've ever taken. The questions towards the end were all off and the answer choices given were terribly chosen. I had a hard time, if I do say so myself, but the essay part makes up for it because not only did I spend a suitable and yet relatively short time working on it, it was also one of my favorite among everything I have ever written and it wasn't even all that long. Gives me hope for a future in which I could write something under a thousand words. Maths after recess wasn't bad. It wasn't all that good because I got terribly confused on this one question that gave me different answers every time I calculated but hopefully, I got it right in the end. History was kind of lame. I enjoyed the paper and hopefully it's an A and all, but I kind of wished something I had actually studied came out for once. 

Today's papers were no better nor worse. Started off with Living Skills which kind of hurt my brains a little bit. Praying for an A and a good one, not just one wherein I barely managed by the skin of my teeth (God, what does that even mean?). But not dwelling on it or anything. It wasn't bad and the studying part was fun, of course. Ended on a somewhat high note with Geography. After taking that test paper, I swear, I will never say anything bad about Puan G. ever again. 

Now that I'm done with that, I've got two other things left. The thing is, I didn't do anything much on Sunday. On Monday, I watched the Oscars. On Tuesday, I was too tired and slept the entire evening and then woke up to eat and watched Glee, barely skipping past a few pages of Living Skills at ten o'clock. I started studying two weeks ago. There are moments during the long interludes between papers in which I just wonder 'what now?' and I just wanted to get it over with. No effort at all. It's like I gave it a hundred and ten percent before this week and when I actually started to sit and study, seriously study for the day after's exams, I just give up. I hate myself so much for this. What now? There was really so much more I could have done, I think. I mean, I don't know. I guess there wasn't, not really, but it felt like I was just missing something. And everyone else didn't seem to mind studying until the very last minutes. God knows studying two weeks ahead did me no favors. Or at least, I don't know. I haven't really went through any of my papers. Just because so many things have changed this year, doesn't mean my exam philosophy's going to as well. I don't discuss papers after taking them. Pointless. Pointlessness breeds stupidity. Everyone knows that (or at the very least, they should). I just felt really dumb this week. It's like I haven't tried my best but at the same time, I know that I can't possibly do anymore. 

Last. Last year. I don't know how to start this, I really don't. Exams week is something I used to consider somewhat of a savior, a grace period for all of my friends. It's like, it doesn't matter if we had a disagreement earlier on, it's exams week and we're going to get along and study together now. I've just associated so many things with taking an exam, from studying outside the cabin classes to surrounding myself with a specific group of people to... well, the stationery that I use. I just feel, like with everything else this year, thrown way off course, not knowing which way's up or down or sideways. I just feel dumped, like, dumped in the middle of a chaos I can't even begin to figure out. This doesn't feel like exams week at all. Hey, kid, I still remember everything you said to me and I still remember the way you said it. Hey, kid, I still remember how close we were back then and how easy it was to make you laugh. 

I remember Nadiah writing down 'holds grudges' as one of my weakness. It's true that I hate to let things go, mostly because I think that everything a person does is essentially part of their identity and personality and it's just ingrained in them; like, say, if they don't save a seat for you even if you asked them to, it's just part of who they are. It's a character traits. But for the most part, I think it's more than that. 

I think I have a problem with letting go of the past. Like back in Standard 6, if you haven't realized already, all I did was whine and complain about how Standard 5 was so much better. And I just couldn't let go of that. Despite everything bad that happened to me when I was eleven (of which, I can't really think of much - no friends, sure, but what's that, really? And the whole thing with the guys, but that's more of a good thing), I still really liked, nay, loved, that year a lot. I was silly back then, of course, and I can't look back and not cringe but that year was something akin to magic. Until I went and messed it up really badly by just being myself. So you can see why I was a little hard on myself, why I just didn't want to let go. Couldn't let go, in fact. All of Standard 6, I kept wishing that my life was back to the way it were (maybe the whole depression thing contributed to that, or who knows, really, maybe the whole Standard 5 debacle was the source of my depression; either way, it wasn't the happiest of years). I know it was impossible, but I still kept that hope up until I found something as close to closure as I could get at the end of the year. That wasn't really closure, of course, but at the time, it was definitely enough. Enough for me to be someone else and start up something entirely new. 

I have a problem because whenever I look at someone or a certain situation, I can't help but compare it to the past when it was simply better. I know I can't be the only person who does this but I take things to extremes. I just don't let go. Ever. 

Like how I still get stabs of emotions running through me, high and dry and just pressing in on all sides, at random. I know to put it simply, last year was no ball, no tea party, no walk through the park and definitely, to most people, not even worth remembering but I think I wrote somewhere that in all of that mess, in all of the chaos, I just found peace. And I found something beautiful. And I found some really beautiful people as well. I look at where I am now, kind of broken if I'm being honest with myself, and compare it with last year and I can't for the life of me believe that I'm still the same person. I want to be her again, even if she hurt a lot and hurt a lot of other people, too. I want to be the me that's not the me right now. I just don't think any of my current situations are anywhere near ideal. I just don't think I'll ever reach that high again. 

Like how I look at certain people, and I do have one specifically in mind, and I think of a time when everything was so simple and, yes, I know that behind the simplicity there was something else; well, all of this mess, I suppose, just waiting for dormancy but I could forgive and forget then, I could live and let live and let it all slide then, but I can't now. I want that again. I want that again so badly that sometimes, I'm willing to let go of all the hurt and anger and just be downright sickeningly and nauseatingly sweet. I look at you and I want that again so badly that it just hurts sometimes. I hope you know that and it doesn't even have to be reciprocated because, do I look like I care? Those were the best and worst few months of my life because it was the first time I depended on someone and while that turned out so, so badly, it was still something that to this day, to this hour, to this very second and probably for all the minutes stretched out in front of me, I won't ever let go. 

Like how I know that it used to be so much better. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy life as it is right now because all things considered, after the big fallout and the subsequent reconciliation last year, it wasn't really all that tough to readjust. We readjusted just fine and on so many levels, I can safely say with the utmost certainty that we're better for having gone through that. I just can't help but be irrational sometimes. I don't really know what it is with me. When I have a good balance in my life, I yearn for a time when I was desperate and needy. When I'm in a stable relationship, I yearn for a time in which I was a wreck and everything I touched unraveled at the seams and everyone I've influenced committed metaphorical suicides. I should just learn to shut up and listen, be grateful, not take things for granted because all things considered, it could have gone so much worse than this. I could have been left utterly and tragically shattered, with absolutely no one to turn to and no one to cheer me up on bad days and perhaps worst of all, no one to hang out with at Drama. I should just not say anything about wanting the past to repeat itself. 

Would I like to relive last year? The earlier parts, anyways? I don't know. Collectively it was beautiful, but otherwise, everything just hurts a lot. It still hurts. The difference now is that I would rather feel that kind of hurt, wherein there was passion and feelings and a general frenzy to be something, do something and push people, than feel this kind of hurt, which is just kind of empty. 

Hey, kid, I still love you. 

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