The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Conflicting

Of course now that I started writing on here again, I just have to keep on going, right? It's like I can't stop at all. And, of course, I had to try to tackle three different topics in one night (American Idol, my apathy and, um, well, you know) and thus, there are three different posts. After I return home tomorrow night, I'll probably have two more posts so get ready, so get ready 'cause here I come (damn you, American Idol).


The best part is probably the fact that after all of that, Santana still stands up for Brittany and Brittany still stands up for Santana. "You know, you can't talk to us like that." "Yesterday, she filled Brits and my locker with dirt." It's like when it comes to sticking up for each other, the whole "please love me back" and dating Artie and dating Sam thing doesn't matter. It's like, wow.


I can't wait to see where they take Finn/Quinn/Rachel, honestly. I know the whole thing's been rehashed over and over again and both Quinn and Rachel should probably be admitted right about now but hey, excuse me for realizing this is a TV show that was created for the sole purpose of entertainment. And excuse me if I find high-strung, unbelievably unbelievable dramas exciting.


I don't know what actually. I mean, I am as excited as excited can get. I am overjoyed and over the moon and I wish I could just, well, I won't finish that sentence. And I know so many others share my joy as well but I don't think, you know, given the context, you've really thought every single variable through here. Mainly, the, you know what I can't do this.

I can't be two people at once. I can't do it. And I wonder in times like these how she does it, and I wonder what it would be like if I still had her in my life so that our story can span another couple of years. I wonder what advice she'd give me if I just asked. Like, last year, when all those... things were happening and I was wholly supportive of being supportive but then, I was sort of too confused to care and when I started to sit down and really think about it, I came to the conclusion that, given the context, I'm the one in the wrong. And that sucks so much. Because I have all this freedom now, of course, I can think whatever I want to think but at the end of the day, I have to go back to the Right Path.

And can I just say how amazed I am at the world and its inhabitants? There's me, who has to deal with all of this and I'm a wreck, obviously. There's D, who seems so comfortable with everything and yet she can still stand up straight and tell me that she's not a supporter, not outright. There's L, the closet homophobe. There's E, someone who can honestly just live her life and live it the way she wants to and I have no idea whether or not she is aware of the consequences, blissfully ignoring it, or whether she honestly just haven't thought about it before. There's N, who's, well, wow, you know. As close minded as she is, on bad days, I really wish I could be her. This is truly an amazing time in the world, when acceptance meets resistance and it's funny, because it's not the first time, of course. It's just, this is the only thing I'm alive for and who knows, couple of years back, and I could be fighting for women's rights. For fuck's sake.

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