The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Coffee's Nice

It's really just, wow, it just astounds me, it really does, all of this. I mean, you'd think that I, of all people, would be devastated or, I don't know, at the very least shocked at this revelation. You'd think I would feel anything other than just pure and utter happiness but that's the thing that I'm just still trying to figure out. 

When you love someone, I always thought that you would want them all to yourself. Like, God knows I get really jealous - and I really hate using that word here, in this context, because it's not a huge deal or anything - when I see some of my friends hanging out with other people so you'd think that I would be really depressed over this? But, no, you know, it's like I love someone and I am just totally, a hundred percent and then some happy that they're happy.

And maybe it's like this for him, too, you know, because people do approach me a lot of times and they ask me questions and they tell me I'm being unfair but at the end of the day, I'm not really trying to be fair to anyone else here. I'm just trying to be fair to my own emotions first and foremost. I am sorry what happened last year happened. I realized that I was mainly the catalyst for everything and a lot of unnecessary things could have been avoided if I had just kept to myself and let the river flow the way it's supposed to flow. But I didn't do that. I messed up and I continued messing up after all was said and done so really, I do apologize for trying too hard or whatever it was I did last year but I can't change that, can I? I can't turn back time and if there's one thing I can't do even more than that, it's change the way I feel about people. 

I am not lying or cheating or being unfaithful to anyone in any way, shape or form. I am being perfectly honest to everyone involved, except for maybe her because she's got enough problems as it stands and she doesn't need me to be another of those added to the pile. This year, I've been perfectly fair. I am happy where I am and while I know that those feelings won't exactly go away, I'm glad that they're not in the way anymore. Plus, look how far I've come! Look how far I've grown! I am genuinely happy and I'll stay that way as long as you are. 

I don't know. Maybe this all ties into the whole 'when you're happy, I'm happy and when you're sad, I'm sad' thing that I wrote last year but that doesn't matter anymore, does it? It's entirely in the past. It's my choice whether to move on or not. 

But do you mind if I love you? 

By the way, yes, I know, I'm fifteen. I won't go out of my way and say that love here means exactly what everyone assumes it means. It's not going to get married, have babies, grow old together type of love. It's whatever's here, right now, and honestly, however old I am, I think everyone should be able to handle that. 

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