The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Ballad

"Is it me?" 

Well, of course. Who else could be the most self-centered, ignorant pile of crap ever and still receive my undivided respect, love and admiration? Of course it's you, because you're a jerk but I still care enough for you to even think about you.

Sometimes I wonder whether my heart will stop beating uncontrollably, whether my breath will ever stop hitching, whether my life will ever stop orbiting around you. Sometimes I think that it's possible to forget about you but then your name just randomly pops up in the most unlikely of places. Why do I constantly feel the need to strive for your approval when you're not even part of my life anymore? Why do I still think of you as someone who is important and even relevant in my life when it's obvious that you're not reciprocating these thoughts, these feelings. I just keep remembering all of those things you used to say and I can't help but wonder, what happened to those people who used to be such close friends? Why can they not even speak to each for more than a couple of minutes now without everything going entirely awkward? 

I put you high up there even though I knew our friendship will lead us nowhere because I know that at least you care for me in your own little self-absorbed way. I put you high up there expecting you to always be there for me when I needed you. Or, really, it doesn't matter whether or not you help me through a problem, what matters is that you'll actually be there. 

I have the worst feeling ever, actually, that what happened was nothing but a dream. That we were never friends and that we never even knew each other because it feels like this right now, certainly. The feeling that I used to get when two years ago, when all I wanted was something I'll live to regret forever. 

It sucks that all I want to do is bury my face in you forever and just breathe you in and never let go. It sucks that you don't feel anything and it sucks to be lumped in with a bunch of people who not only mean nothing to me, but are selfish inconsiderate little shitholes. 

How do I even begin to tell you what I feel without going back to square one? Where do I even start? And, most importantly, what with the state of our friendship right now, what would even be the point? Hey, I hope you read this and know it's about you, D. I really hope you do. 

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