The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, March 4, 2011

another when you wake, waiting in your cup of coffee

How do you say "I'll be there for you, whatever you need, whenever you need it"
If you know that you're definitely not gonna?

Because you definitely can't. How the hell do you go about doing something like that? How do you go about carrying all this love and affection and like the willingness to do anything and everything inside of you for someone but they're not here, not here so you can't give them even a hint of what you're feeling. Not here so you know every time you say something like 'if you need a shoulder to cry on', 'if you need someone to just listen', or if you need anything, anything at all, I can't really truly do anything, not really, because I'm here and you're just not. So it doesn't matter at all what empty words I have to say, what empty feelings I feel, real or not, they are all pretty much useless.

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