The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Hug Voucher

There are some good and bad things going on with my life right now so since it's ten thirty and the first time I'm going to be able to relax the whole day through, I'll just carelessly list them out. 

The Bad
Well, since there's all this staying back business and plus, Drama classes (I've decided, upon further read throughs of my previous posts, to capitalize the D because otherwise, it just looks like I'm talking about drama as in a bunch of emotional crap going on between my friends) and the inescapable wrath of homework, I just haven't had the time at all to do anything. Not read fanfiction because I feel guilty about doing that when I should be studying. Not watch TV because ditto. Not study because every time I try to prise a book open, I end up falling asleep. Not work on Drama material because ditto the falling asleep thing. And the worst part? Can't fall asleep, not really, because I don't like the feeling of waking up after maghrib. It just feels like my entire body's made up of lead and it's weighing me down and if I jump off a cliff, it'd be over in less than a second. Not a good feeling. So overall, I feel like a big, fat, useless sadsack who is also stupid. 

Well, not stupid. But unprepared, definitely. Plus, there's the whole thing with that person and, yes, I know, long time coming in admitting this, but it is greatly bothering me and instead of poking the subject over and over again at school and aggravating my inner emo teen feelings more than I already have, I've been avoiding it for the most parts, which doesn't really work, but what the heck. Nothing to lose. 

The Good
I like it that I don't feel uncomfortable at school anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm still as alone as you can get at fifteen (not by force and not by choice - so that differentiates my situation a bit, don't you think?) but it's no longer a source of discomfort for me. I don't feel like going home and whining and complaining about it (well, I'll do it when an unfair event pops up, but otherwise, I'll let things slide). I have friends. And nice friends, too. And the best part is that for mostly the entire week, I've been hanging out with the bunch of them almost equally. Hey, you know, this is nice so I won't jinx it or anything but maybe this was the balance I was talking about. Or maybe it gets better? 

It really does, I guess. 

I can sleep forever if you'd let me. Besides, I'm thinking I want out from fandom for at least until next Wednesday. I enjoy spoilers as much as the next person but honestly get a grip. Tumblr spawns immaturity. It's like everyone else's actions somehow inadvertently encourages others to be a hundred and ten times more immature than they probably are in real life and the sad part is that I think the real them is not the mature, real life version but the online, psychomaniac immature version. 

This post wasn't long or fancy or anything like that but let it be. I planned on some heavy studying today but after coming home from Drama I slept for a little while and then woke up to watch American Idol and now here I am after browsing through my stagnant Tumblr Dashboard. 

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