The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

That My Love I Can't Hide

Rereading my private blog. All the entries from the middle of last year. Damn, I was like seriously confused. It was really nice to read my progress, though, from the way I spelled people's names (which changed nearly every month according to my mood) to the way I progressively felt for people. I mean, if I were a movie, I think I would be one very beautiful movie. It was just really nice reading, you know, starting from confused to in denial and then more confusion, a little bit of acceptance, and then I started talking about religion a lot and found a really comfortable place I could count on; moved past all of that and decided to play fair and be nice, started a few revolutions in those days, ended up with a really great friend and in the end, it was just a really, really nice experience.

So, you know, even if you have no clue what I'm talking about, thank you. Last year was a disaster, but it was beautiful. Everything about it. I know it may seem like I'm living too much in the past but we all do that and I consider myself to be a big, fat champion at it.

When you're happy, you make me happy, and when you're sad, you make me sad. I remember writing that after Insert Important Day here. It was one of the worst days of my life at that point, I think, because not only had I come to the realization that you were more important to me than I would have liked, but also, that thing which made every single one of my friends cry (well, I didn't, but that's only because I have no heart and no team spirit to speak of). And then I went to that trip to... Pulau Pinang, I think? Must be it, I guess, because I think Alice In Wonderland and Debbie were somehow involved. I had my first ever really weird dream of the year and it heavily featured you and I woke up not smiling and I kind of felt like hitting someone over the head with a baseball bat, actually, but I guess that was the climax of it. I mean, I heightened it up so much till that point and that point only because I don't think it went past that. I'm happy for that. If it did, then everything would just have been a hundred percent more awkward. I actually have no clue how and why I even bothered to deal with it at the end of the year. Well, nearly towards the end of the year, anyways.

You said that it was a possibility but now it's a reality. It's too late. Is it weird that I still remember the conversations that led up my saying this? Well, writing it, to be exact. Like that time when you asked me about that thing and I lied to you and it was all the most horrible misunderstanding ever? I mean, well, I guess to you it wasn't that big of a deal but I was actually quite hurt at your insensitivity. Well on the road to more drama, obviously, but at the time, I was clueless. I remember the staircase conversation as well. That really just cemented the idea that a) I was kind of falling for you and b) whatever I wanted to happen was never, ever going to happen. I can't remember whether that was before or after I spilled my heart out to Hanna at Prefects Camp. Regardless of how I had to monopolize the situation and change around about a hundred different facts, Hanna still made me feel better at the end of the night because that's the kind of friend she is. I guess, I don't know, I was the only person I had ever expected anything from and falling for you... I just sort of expected a lot, I put you on a fucking pedestal, and I was expecting scenes from a movie. Not... a tragic and painful plunge to the death. Metaphorically, of course, because I am still alive. Physically.

After that I told myself to stop. I told myself that I couldn't be friends with you anymore because that would complicate my already fucked up life. Well, that plan flew out of the window. This is kind of half of what I wrote. It's not a poem because I am far from the poetic person I sometimes paint myself as.

I nearly laughed out loud
but then later on I just cried.
You weren't ignoring me, I know
that's just you, I heard it myself and I know now.
I don't get jealous
I get hurt.
And that's why this isn't ever going to
amount to anything other than my getting hurt.
I'm sorry
this is going to get way awkward later.
But I'll try my hardest to ensure
that it doesn't have to be that way.
But mind over matter?
Doesn't work.

When the whole thing with Him (not God, by the way) got way out of hand, I wanted to just go right on ahead, destroy even more of what's already broken and tell someone about my problems. Target number one was Hanna but I've always had really open conversations with her so I started to just joke around about things. Just said them. I lied a lot to cover some of my lies but other than that, I think that went fairly well. Target number two was Lana, which, biggest mistake on the face of the planet. I think I remember that day. Or maybe it all happened in a span of one week. The person that always told me how all right everything was but in reality, was not all right with a single thing. The person who was there for me for the entire week and helped me through a lot but in the end, just didn't get what I wanted. And the person who could have given me everything and ruined me forever but, well, a handful of people knew how that turned out. I had them, though, friends, to comfort me when I cried. They didn't know a single thing that was going on and really, I could have used different friends at that point but it was nevertheless appreciated.

-that annoying I WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT TELLING ME BECAUSE I AM THAT NEEDY. Huh. I remember that. I remember every single thing you said that led up to that. I still stand firm in my rose colored belief of your characterization, by the way, even though I have softened up tremendously at the end of the year. That was just really one of the first straws for me (the final being that... well, I can't say it, can I? Because then, it would be too obvious who I am talking about). You want people to tell you things because you like being liked. You like feeling like you're trusted. At the end of the day, you don't deserve the trust, sure, but at the beginning of it, you're pretty damn hard to resist. 

I am really embarrassed by that thing you told me. Not because I get embarrassed when people tell me secrets, I was embarrassed by the way I acted. I just thought, well, then that solves everything. That cancels out all of the 'what if's', that cements the realm of possibility, that grounded everything back to reality. And it made me feel a hundred and ten times more shitty than I had originally felt. So I wish I could take it all back but then again, your hands weren't entirely pure white in the matter. Back to square zero, I guess: totally and utterly just flat out pissed at you. But after that, your treatment of me was even worst. You treated me like a go to Oprah Winfrey. You practically treated me like the human equivalent of an emotional garbage disposal. I wanted you to choose, not to make me even more depressed than I already was. 

I was so glad for midterms. It kept my focus elsewhere. Not on my studies, sadly, but on my messy relationships with my family, on my expectations of myself and on... well, whatever it was that thing with Pri was. It was almost like a holiday. A vacation. A break. From you. And I was just really grateful because despite everything that happened, I still didn't want to lose you. As a friend, I think. I was overall more self aware during this period than anytime out of the whole year and I wrote some pretty kick ass stuff about exams and what my intellect meant to me. I don't know when it happened but pretty soon I had other things to worry about and you just weren't the center of my universe anymore. Thank God for that, is all I have to say. 

I think it was sometime before Paramore when I fully realized just how far I had come from that crying girl on the bench, sitting between two people she knew nothing of after confiding all of her problems to a friend that really couldn't bring herself to give a shit. We were friends. I was friends with a lot of people and after everything, it was just nice to have friends. I mean, I started to get you a lot. There were so many things wrong with you, seriously, I could list out more than ten right now, just off the top of my head, but I have no idea why, I just went with it. Really, this is the thing that surprised me the most. 

And after all of that, I'm just happy that I can get out of this thing now, fully realizing what I felt and fully aware of everything that had transpired, not behind my blind glasses of infatuation but from a completely crystal clear perspective unclouded by anything I feel or have ever felt. I can see you now and I can see myself, too, clearly, and I know that whatever happened, it was probably for the best. God's grand master plan. Got to keep life interesting, right? 

I will say this, though: I love you. I love you a lot and I don't care if it's not reciprocated at all. I am okay with that. I'll continue loving you until I forget everything about you and then I'll invite you to my wedding and we'll be okay. Save me a dance at yours? I don't know. Come what may. The reason I know this, all of this, the reason I'm pretty sure we're going to turn out all right is because the fondest memory I have of you, the clearest memory I have of you is this one: We're alone, we're surrounded by people. It's not quiet and it's not an intense moment of feelings and passion or pent-up aggression, it's just a nice moment doing something together with a bunch of friends, joking around and I know, I still remember what song is playing in the background. 

And it doesn't matter that I've heard that song thousands of times before. It really doesn't. Because what matters is that whenever I hear it now, I'll always think of you and how much I love you. How I loved you that way and how I love you, truly love you, today. 

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