The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

on saturday night, they're running for the shadow

People Who I Trust Enough To Read This Blog, here is the most terrible post I will probably ever make in my lifetime. Well, it really depends on your opinion (and your opinion of me, which at this point I bet has reached negative integers) and I really can't say so for certain. I have written about being gay and I've written about religion, all in separate posts before and I don't know why, but here you go, here it is, I am doing this and writing all of this down:

When straight people start to question their sexuality and become a teeny tiny bit confused, it's considered a sin, but when gay people start to question their gayness, it's considered redemption. Or when straight people start to question their heterosexuality, it's considered a good thing because it means more people are jumping on the gay bandwagon but when gay people start questioning their homosexuality, it's considered a bad thing because gay people are supposed to be sure of their, well, gayness.

In that context, everything related with sexuality is chock full of double standards and general unfairness. So that's why lately I've been thinking less and less about lesbian, gay, bi, trans, but more towards just general attraction. Why do you need to put labels on it? Sure, people can have a preference for a gender, but it's just like music, right? Just because you prefer rock and hate pop doesn't mean that the entire pop genre actually sucks. Or if the opposite were the case, it doesn't mean that the rock genre sucks. At the end of the day, it's all still music. Just like at the end of the day, we're all still people. It's attraction that matters the most. Not pigeon holing something and sticking a label on the box: "gay: only looks at the male pool of human specimen", "lesbian: only looks at the female pool of human specimen", "bisexual: looks at both pools with equal attraction". It doesn't work like that.

I'm not attracted to a gender. Not really. Just people.

And I'm going to hell?

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