The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

my fingers in creases of distant dark places

Their words mostly noises. Ghosts with just voices. Your words in my memory, are like music to me. I'm miles from where you are, I lay down on the cold ground. I pray that someone picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms. - Set Fire To The Third Bar, Snow Patrol featuring Martha Wainwright.

I feel bad. I'm here today to talk about Glee which is just weird because, you may ask, does that even have any relevance to your 'personal' life? Other than my dreams, you could argue that, no, it doesn't. (But seriously, though, the dreams - ever since I started reading fanfiction before going to bed. I read a really sad Quinn and Kurt centric fic once and I woke up crying, chanting Dianna Agron's name over and over again).

I just want to say: I hope Klaine happens. Before this, I was fine with them just being friends and later on, Blaine helps Kurt out with getting his first boyfriend (like, I think Hevans is halfway sunk by now). But then I read the kind of legit spoilers for SLS and I thought... wait, wait that's weird.

That's weird because I've been there. Not exactly there, but somewhere closer. My story's kind of spanned out over a whole year, though, while Kurt's only got four episodes that's got Klaine development so far (if you call yesterday's and The Substitute). That's weird because I fell in love with my best friend, knowing full well that she probably won't ever reciprocate my feelings and then one day, out of fucking left field, she told me that she was bisexual as well.

And it hurts, you know. It hurts to know that before that, no way in hell, right? But after that, it's simply the matter of me not being her type. It hurts because despite all of the signs and the sometimes really outright and blatant flirting I do, she's still kind of clueless about everything. It hurts because she's a friend, first and foremost, and I'd never wish to hurt her and she's just there. She's always there but she'll never be there for me the way I want her to. And it hurts when she talks about the people she's falling for even though I secretly kind of pissed myself that she considered me a good enough friend to confide in.

And it hurts that she's gone and it's going to hurt Kurt a lot too because he'll eventually have to go back to McKinley and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Falling in love with your best friend is one thing and it hurts but falling in love with your best friend who is the same gender as you and who also happens to lean a little bit towards gay, that's just a few extra miles off.

I'm not saying that two gay people can't be friends because all things considered, I fell out of love for Kai little by little each day and fell more in love with her as a friend. I'm saying that if one side of that friendship has a thing for the other...

That's just fucking cruel, man.

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