The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Me Vs. The World

There's no joy over blogging anymore. I just do it because it's become force of habit for me, which in some ways, I guess that's pretty awesome because then I know that I will always have this record of my life to read and reread when I'm older and living the kick-ass awesome life I deserve. It's like writing in a diary, only better because typing doesn't give my hands cramps (although typing on a typewriter is a whole different story). I guess way back when, I used to have this purpose for blogging. It used to kind of be the epicenter of my life - however lame that may be. Now, even though I know I have a wider audience (although it's been awhile since any of my friends have broached the topic of the blog), it kind of feels like a chore. Like, I go home and I have to write something or the day wouldn't feel complete. Not so much a chore and just a habit, like I said, but still. Am I going all twisty on this, because I think I am? 
You know what? I've known you for four years and I don't think I've once seen you happy. 
Happy is me when I'm reading a particularly fluffy piece of HP fanfiction. Happy is me when I discover my marks have exceeded my admittedly very low expectations. Happy is me on a Friday night, with the entire weekend stretched in front of me and battling thoughts of Sunday Night Syndrome away with imaginary foam swords. Happy is me after my last paper for finals is finished and when the bell for the day rings. Happy is me whenever my sister and I are having a good time and there's nothing bad to smoke up the air between us. Happy is me when I go to a bookstore and get the luxury of time to spend hours to just browse around. Happy is me when I watch a really sappy and yet uplifting fanvid. Happy is me during the three seconds right after I read a text from Pri. Happy is me whenever I read one of the Harry Potter books. Happy is me when we start up a Skype conversation at two o'clock on a school night and neither of us wants to end it. Happy was me on the floor of my classroom, trying to get myself to fall asleep. 

I would be much happier if circumstances were different, sure. I would be much happier if the entirety of last year hadn't happened and left me completely fucked up. I would be much happier if other people were more like me and I certainly would be much happier if I could sing again. Or pronounce anything properly, for that matter. I would be happier if the world was a more accepting and tolerant place. I would be much happier if people saw me. I would be happier if being different doesn't have to mean being left out. I would be happier if I had a best friend (but I'm just hypothesizing on this one - because we all know it worked out so well back when I was seven through ten. And yeah the whole fiasco last year). I would be happier if I was woken up by like Chris Colfer (and then I'll pee my pants - but it will be a happy peeing-of-pants. Like that Sunway Lagoon trip with my sister). And then I noticed something. 

There's nothing I would change about me. There's nothing wrong with me, at least I don't think so. There's just a whole lot of shit wrong with the world. (That's not the quote, I know). 

It's just one of those nights, I guess. When you feel as if the world is winning and you're just happy to stay in the shower for all eternity if this is how it's going to go down evermore. I get that I don't bother to act as happy and effervescent as I did last year but it's just... like my whole support system's gone wonky and I don't even have half the energy needed to fix it. 

Hey, real passages of time notwithstanding, I hope that readers of this blog will realize that you've been with me on this fucked up journey for four years. 2008 when I was going through that horrible and juvenile crush (and also, UPSR). 2009 when I started my first year of high school and had to deal with the incompetency of my then group of friends. 2010 when I was just plain old confused and here we are now in 2011, dealing with my me vs. the world complex. It's all pretty hard to wrap one's head around. I feel like a feel good movie so... Mean Girls, I guess? Or Clueless or something. 

If I get really depressed later on, maybe I'll pull out the big guns (Breakfast Club, of course)?

God is always fair: this has been a perfect spelling and grammar post (I've long since given up on commas so perfect punctuation is not in my arsenal). 

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