The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Isn't So

That's fine with me. I'll be okay. 

What I Know Vs. What I Believe In 

They paint a picture for you - tell you the world is black and white but you know better. You know that it's actually gray. But at the end of the day, you look around you and realize that it's not. It's green and red and blue and purple and orange and whole list of other colors. Confusing, isn't it, when you start to wonder if the main topic of conversation was about perspective or just, well, colors? 

I know a lot of things. I pride myself in knowing things and having enough common sense to balance out my knowledge. I might be totally clueless when it comes to people but I'm not all that bad. My level of social awkwardness has often been hyped by yours truly to be above and beyond the call of duty, but that's not really it. I can handle situations. I can handle reality. Well, I'd like to think so. If that makes me delusional, then I'm sorry, but can you honestly blame me? 

So that point has been established. I know a lot of things but they don't always correlate with what I believe in, or how I feel regarding the matter. The person who has been such a crystal clear window to this realization was probably Iylia, although I didn't realize it at the time. People should pay more attention to her (even though she is already an attention whore - and I mean that in the most affectionate way possible). People should really go out of their way to kiss the very ground she walks on. Anyways, I know that. I know that there's a really huge chasm between those two things and they're not exactly the typical, run off the mill brain versus heart dilemma. 

I know myself, for instance. What I know is that I'm very opinionated and I have reserved a set of principles for myself to follow on through until such a time wherein I feel that any experiences I have gained would cloud my perspective. And I'll change, I'll adapt, just like I did last year. That's just it, though, the principles I hold firm on, I keep them because of one thing: I don't like people. I don't like people so I restrict myself to doing only a very few things and reveal as little as I can about myself to others in order to keep that distance. It might be my superiority complex but at the heart of it all, it's just me, being bitter and angry at everyone for leading seemingly normal lives while I am stuck in my personal MTV reality television show. 

And it stops there. I have rules for interacting with people. Nothing else. I don't make anything else because unlike situations that concerns actual human beings that I have tangibly met and touched and all of that, I've never thought that those other untouchable things could lead my life down a path of destruction. I am wrong, of course, but just because that's so, it doesn't really mean I've taken much - or any, really - effort to fix that. Doesn't mean I want to change. Not really. I don't know why this is so. Maybe it's because I don't pray to God enough for the strength to change, maybe it's because deep down, I have this pathological need to like myself more than I like other people. Whatever it is, it's annoying and it's the one thing that I haven't been able to solve with time. 

In fact, I'd rather like to think it gets worse with time. 

I'm trying to see things from others' points of view here. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and be you just for a minute, like I tried earlier on today and I obviously failed spectacularly because all I got out of that conversation was an instant bolt of offense and double doses of indignation. I can't defend something I like but I know is wrong. It's not me, morally or mentally, I don't think that way. When I know something is wrong, I still go right ahead and do it because I know that. I know that it's wrong and yet I also know that I believe otherwise. 

I would like to say that I have the conviction to go through life living in conflict, because if we give it more time and let my pride stew in resentment for a few more months, then I'm sure they will be plenty of conviction. Yet I still get the nagging feeling that what I believe in is wrong and I know that. I do. I know. But I can never put myself in your shoes because while I know and I will never do and on some really subconscious level, probably fully buried under all the hate I've collected over the years, I don't actually believe in it, I'm still completely one hundred percent all right with other people doing whatever the hell they want to do. 

I can't single handedly stop stupidity from spreading. Hell, I can't even change one stupid person as of today. I still love my friends, regardless of who they are and what they believe in and how they're behavior is. That's something you'll never understand and, really, I give up. I know you won't change. You're the exact opposite of me because no matter what, you will always believe what you know. And I hope one day you realize that that's completely and utterly different from my saying you know what you believe

I can imagine them but I can't imagine you. A year to the date and I'm still very distraught over this fact. 

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