The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

In Which Coffee and I Have Sex

I'm bored and kind of high on coffee right now so hopefully everyone will appreciate my honesty. This is a challenge for the month of February but we all know that is not how I roll. Or maybe it is. Let's just do this all at once because it's already the fifth?

Day one, my views on death. Death is so weird because everyone's going to die and yet nobody wants to die except for those suicidal people but they don't really want to die - well, not most, I hope - they've just had enough of the crap they have to deal with alive so death for them is really the only option left. I have never faced a tremendously important death before and I don't even remember when my great grandparents passed away because I was either not conceived yet or like really tiny. I can't say I will cope well with death, though, because I am the type to throw things around the room and cry in the shower and regret every single thing I have and have not done. Whatever. When the time comes, it will come. 

Day two, how I introduce myself. I either let other people introduce myself for me or I just say my name. I don't like new people. I used to be really into making friends with people until I found out that friendships or relationships or whatever are just going to complicate my life even further. I mean, I can barely handle the people I have in my life right now, what the hell do I need another few for, right? I am really bad with new acquaintances but I settle down better if I get to interact with them with my old friends around me. 

Day three, what I think about love. I don't know. I don't not believe in it, I do. It exists obviously or else my parents wouldn't still be together. The main reason I think it exists is because if it didn't then it wouldn't hurt this much. I don't really fall in love with people easily. It takes a lot of time for me to be comfortable with people so yes. But when I do fall, I fall really hard and I'll never let go for three years, at least. Right now I am not in love but if you want an even honest answer, then I have no clue, what the fuck, I don't know anything. 

Day four, write about someone I love. I love my sister a lot. I guess this isn't really the answer people might expect but I do. A lot of the friendships I have, I discreetly compare it to my relationship with my sister. We're not tight and we're not all rainbows and forgiveness. When she dislocated a bone in her arm whilst bowling on my birthday, I cried because she ruined my birthday and I wasn't getting any cake (which I got in the end anyways - although they ran out of what I wanted which was the proverbial icing of suck on top of the cake of suck). And this morning she wouldn't talk to me for like a full ten minutes because I was rude to a salesgirl. But if she died, I would be sad and cry. Maybe I would just cry because she had ruined my day or week. Maybe I'd cry because she had ruined my life. Or maybe I should just scrap all of this up and write about myself instead. 

Day five, a list of things I fancy doing. I really like reading fanfiction. I do it more than reading nowadays. I like playing the piano when it's raining outside and I can't have the wireless on and the music only adds to the thunderous applause outside. I like drinking coffee late at night. I like hanging out by myself in my room and pretend that I'm not just speaking to myself but to a whole audience of people who would listen. I like downloading and discovering new music because after listening to one track for too long, I just get bored. I like flipping through books with a lot of pictures in them but I like to read poems as well. I like brushing my teeth and I like taking a turn on the swing-set for two hours or something. 

Day six, book recommendations. What's sad is that I don't make time for reading anymore, but I'm OK with that because the fanfictions I read make up for that somewhat. I'd recommend all of my friends to pick up any old book from the classics section because while I like contemporary fiction and the occasional YA fix, the only reason I read is because of the words and there's not enough of them in today's books. But the classics were all about words because I guess they didn't have television back then so they made books like Vanity Fair as their equivalent of a telenovela. Or something like that. Also (and keep in mind that I am fifteen, not five), if you haven't read the complete works of Roald Dahl, the Harry Potter series and The Wind In the Willows, then I suggest you get out of town. 

Day seven, write about the arts. I like singing even though I'm bad at it because it's really fun. I actually really suck at composing and arranging and writing songs and all of that but I give it my best and I don't really care if they end up good or bad. I like acting but I will never pursue it. I really, really like acting, though. Guitar is my favorite instrument but only because I feel like banging the piano once in a while out of frustration and I never feel any sort of violence towards the guitar. I like performing because it's just easy. Performing is just like speaking in front of people only you're doing something. I don't have a problem with it but I'm just not into it like people expect me to. I like writing, though, even though I'm really bad at it. I wish I could be good at it but I'm just not. Sad really that the only thing I like to do in the world, I'm bad at. But that's okay because I have all these stupid piano and guitar and acting skills to make up for it. 

Day eight, write a poem. Don't judge but I am so not doing this. Maybe next time, though. 

Day nine, a photo of my favorite pillow. No. 

Day ten, how I wake up in the mornings. I want to go to sleep but I wake up instead. Does that satisfy you, question? I'd then go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and go have breakfast and live my life. 

Day eleven, write about my siblings. My first brother has a family and I don't really like them because I don't like kids in general. He is okay, though, if a little bit smug. A lot smug. I don't know where all the smugness came from, but I'm sure he's taken up half of a warehouse of it. My second brother hardly swings around. He is married and I like his wife okay even though I got really mad at them once and dipped their toothbrushes- well, anyways, he's all right, I guess, since he does look a lot like me only taller with a beard. My sister is refer up there and she is 27 and single as fuck. I actually hate my parents most of the time for having me twelve years after because, come on, who wouldn't not want to be born? But whatever. I'm dealing with it. 

Day twelve, write about my relationship with my parents. They are fine and I love them. Because I have to. Because it would be wrong not to. I don't hate my parents, of course, but both of them get on my nerves a lot but mostly I think it's because I'm a teenager and it's ingrained in our brains and part of our hormones and all of that so I'm going to wait it out. I'll never have a good relationship with them, though, because I hide too much and I just don't talk about things with them but it's not all that bad, I guess. I won't raise my kids the way they raised me but I think everyone says that. 

Day thirteen, write about what I believe in. God. The funny thing is, no matter how many times I get these stupid little bits and pieces of doubt, the one, ultimate thing is there: I do believe in God, and, yeah, Allah SWT, I do believe in Him. One day I'll wake up and be sure of everything but that day's not today. I'm fifteen and still trying to find my footing and there's currently a lot of things wrong with the world right now and there's a lot of things wrong with me, too, so all I can do is pray for His blessings. Sometimes I don't even do that. If you ask me about religion, I would say I don't know. Ask me about God, I know there is one. Just one. After all I've been through and at this stage of my life, I am just relieved at that. 

Day fourteen, what I do for Valentine's Day. Nothing. Last year I gave people cookies. But then I realized that no, they don't care about me and the ones that do, well, there's only like six, anyways, maybe seven if I'm generous enough to count Nisa, but I really don't feel like showing them my love this year. Whatever on the romance front, okay, because I just don't think I can handle much at this point. It would be nice to talk to these three people I really, really love on that day because I know those three people lead really stupid and busy and hectic lives and sometimes I feel like I'm never put in their schedule so whatever. I just hope there's that. 

Day fifteen, write about the best gift I've ever received. Gift of life? I don't really know because gift-giving has never really been all that big in my life. I really like the fact that my Dad is always considerate and will buy me just about anything for my birthday. He also lets me splurge around a hundred or so if I get good grades (guess how often that is). If we're talking about most memorable, I received a scooter from a friend of mine, Zharif; we were friends in kindergarten and then later on in year five. I rode it once in a while but really all it did was it started my really terrible adoration of guys on scooters. Maze. Chris Colfer. All of that. 

Day sixteen, write another poem, about the weather. Rain check. 

Day seventeen, my favorite .gif. Um, the one with Chris Colfer's reaction after his name was announced as the winner of that Golden Globe. And also the .gif on Rita's description is like hypnotic or something. But I can't be bothered, really. 

Day eighteen, my plans for tomorrow. Sleep, probably, because I don't like to sleep on the nights before a major back-to-school Monday. Watch some episodes of Glee I just downloaded and then recheck all my homework. Pretty tame for a party animal like yours truly.

Day nineteen, write about something I fear. I put myself so high up on a pedestal, I'm afraid I'll fall. I don't really care about others. I'm just afraid I'll disappoint myself.

Day twenty, what I ate for dinner last night. Rice. With chopsticks. And pork. Because I'm Asian. (I think I had a cheeseburger or something?) 

Day twenty-one, my favorite thing to drink. Pink guava juice, coffee, Coke and anything with caffeine in it. I am a firm believer that the answer to most of man's problems is coffee (although there probably would be a nuke war later on but I like coffee). 

Day twenty-two, how I take my coffee or tea. Coffee when I'm depressed is black. Like a teaspoon of that stuff and then just that. No sugar. It tastes fucking disgusting but fucking, like seriously, so fucking good at the same time. Coffee normally for me is a little bit of the grounded coffee and about four tablespoons of condensed milk. Tea is just tea with sugar and ice and lemon or lime if I feel like it. 

Day twenty-three, my favorite thing to wear. I have this one pair of jeans that I will wear four or five times before washing. I like wearing button up shirts and sweaters. Hate skirts but will wear them if the mood strikes. I really don't belong here. 

Day twenty-four, another poem, about the shoes I wear most often. I had a nice little limerick planned out but can't be fucked to word it out properly so please go suck a fuck and wait. 

Day twenty-five, write about where I live. Our parents talk to us about how we should always stick to God and how bad sex is but it's really all we can talk about. In class, if homosexuality is ever mentioned, some people 'ew' and most cringe but half of them aren't entirely opposed to the idea. Kissing and making out and sex and sex and gay sex and lesbian sex and throwing babies out and then they censor a four second kiss from TV. The kids are all right. The school system is shit. Everyone lives like everyone else in the whole wide world and regardless, KL is still a pretty fucking amazing place to be in. That's where I live.

Day twenty-six, my favorite smell. Oh, this is embarrassing. I have three favorite scents and I will never tell anyone what they are. On a less personal level, the smell of coffee and Coke - that's really great.

Day twenty-seven, my thoughts on the Internet. Since people already suck in real life, it's not that hard to transfer it all onto the World Wide Web. There are awesome people, though, and it allows people to connect so much easier. My favorite experience with the Internet has got to be that half a year stint I had as an anonymous contributor to this one music blog that has since been shut down (don't ask about that). The whole anonymity thing is getting kind of stupid and you can tell most people let it get to their heads. It doesn't take much to hurl insults at people behind the mask of anon, I've realized. So that's why I've taken to hurling insults at people in front of their own faces. Stings more, I think. 

Day twenty-eight, write about how I feel today. Fucked. There is school on Monday. I don't even know. I haven't heard the word PMR the whole week. Feels weird, man, feels like I should listen to a track of that on repeat for twenty-four hours. I just don't feel good.

But at least I'm done with this thing. 

No comments:

Post a Comment