The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

I Don't Know

I can't think of a better way to start off this post than with an "ugh". Because that's just how my life feels like nowadays. Not really bleak, not really hopeless but not really filled to the brim with sunshine and rainbows, either, so just ugh. It has been a subpar weekend, mainly because I woke up today, had breakfast and watched TV for an hour before realizing that it is, in fact, Sunday and not Saturday, as I had woken up before the crack of freaking dawn yesterday for school. 

Saturday was the stupidest day ever. It was beyond useless. I don't even understand myself what had prompted me to even go to school in the first place. At some points of the day, I persuaded myself that it was because I had planned on going to Nadiah's house straight after school but now thinking it all through, it's entirely a hundred percent possible to go to her house instead of going to school and that way we could have spent more time together and it's all very very confusing. I'm putting it up there along with questions regarding existence and humanity and the existence of humanity. 

We did learn something, I think, and that was Maths but mostly because our Maths teacher is crazy or something. We can't go through a single lesson without learning but I guess that's OK because it's not like Maths is hard or anything, it's just tedious. And it requires a certain mood. Like, if I'm in a crass mood and/or experiencing a headache like I was yesterday morning, then it probably wasn't a good idea to be doing Maths. Indices isn't hard, not really, not when I break it down properly, but sometimes, well, who the hell has the patience for that? 

Nadiah's house was I don't really care to write about it much but basically we had lunch and watched some TV and hung out in her room trying to pen out her talk show script on baby dumping for her English oral assignment. I went home around five and I was super hungry but I can't remember what I did when I got home other than turn on the computer and shut myself in the room and studied for a little while. Went to sleep at 10, believe it or not, or maybe even earlier than that. 

Woke up after a full thirteen hours of sleep and went through all the morning motions and as I said up there, realized a little bit too late that today was Sunday. The day itself was spent in relative calm, studying and watching movies. I had Maze over for about two hours. I did a lot of studying today, to be honest, but for some really strange and kind of pathetic reason, I don't feel like any of it was enough. 

Wasted time writing all of this down. Here you go now and enjoy. Probably won't update much? 

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