The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Cubes and Spheres

She wakes up everyday expecting to get her heart broken. 

Monday was kind of a hard day for me but I can't remember why. Well, at any rate, the beginning of today was worst but never you mind that just yet. I didn't sleep at all that day, as I remember and going to school, I kind of felt buzzed. Not in the bad way, not even in the good way, come to think of it, just buzzed like as if I had just drank some alcohol or taken some drugs (not that I know how that feels or anything). Found out I was on Rounding (which isn't so bad actually as all I really do is switch off the lights and all - and I get really tired but, yeah, the price of fame) and Hanna's on nothing (which sometimes got me to thinking if she's kind of spoiled rotten by Farah because she seems to be getting all the holidays and I am going to be on duty for the next six weeks straight, as far as I'm concerned). But in a sense it's kind of sad since I don't get to have staircase conversations with her anymore in the mornings. 

Instead I hang out in the canteen with, well, people, but for all intents and purposes, alone. The school's trying to make a smaller deal out of assembly week by week (evident by how I am lower casing the 'a' in that) and I'm kind of relieved, to be honest. I don't really want nor particularly need all the hoopla and the pomp on Monday mornings, I mean, come on, it's the first day of the week that I'm stepping into school. Classes that day was mighty boring with the exception of BM, during which Cikgu A didn't come in and so I hung out with Thivyaa and Pri for like half an hour or something and then went back to meekly do my bidding back at my table when relief teacher Puan P came. Geography is really starting to get on my nerves because for the love of God, what kind of bumblefuck doesn't know how to convert anything to anything these days? Hello, all problems can be solved using the almighty Google! 

I think I talked to Zaza about something during the 2 till 2.30 period but I can't remember what about. Anyways, YE isn't so bad. I mean, it's bad, but not really that bad. I don't hate it but I am not going to cut my arm off if I get kicked out or anything. Efforts are being made on my part but to be honest, I just hate any and all student organizations, regardless of the premise. 

Tuesday was worse still than Monday and how could that possibly be? My mornings now are pure crap and I realized that I have taken Hanna somewhat for granted because she does let me have her way with her in the mornings whereas Hairball a.k.a. Divya and on occasions, Priyanka, reply to everything I say as though I have somehow offended them. "Because you are all stupid." "That makes you stupid for hanging out with us." Yeah, like it makes me Caucasian hanging around Caucasian people. It gets fun after a while though. When you start counting how many times they reply to whatever semi-joke, semi-offensive thing you say and equate that to how low their self-esteem is - that's fun. Anyways, Islamic Studies for first period and I think for the most part, that went well even though I slept with my eyes open. Don't get me wrong, it's not the subject, topic or teacher, because I kind of love Ustazah, but I just didn't have the best of sleep over the past two nights (Monday night/Tuesday morning, I had a really freaky dream that kept me up for a while). So I decided to sleep it off. 

Told Nadiah to wake me up on her way to the canteen from the surau during recess. I had a nice ten minute nap, no way near enough time, but I was satisfied, nonetheless. And then after recess was PE, wherein I slept for a full hour and woke up just as the relief teacher stood. Couldn't feel my hand for a solid ten minutes. History was all colors of non-color, also known as I Just Want To Sleep So Why Are You Still Talking About Stuff That Happened Fifty Years Ago. And the coursework topics for History were so stupid, I felt like crying. Who the fuck cares about MBPJ? Oh, right, I should.

Drama with thinner during KH but all in all, it was fun. And I didn't have to stayback for anything so I was happy when I went home. I can't remember, but I think I wasted all my time on fanfiction yesterday. That, and sprucing up the English presentation. And I fiddled around with Photoshop until 12 o'clock and my mother turned the computer off when I told her not to because turning it off will interfere with the inner workings of my illegally downloaded Photoshop CS5 and that will cause all sorts of problems for a lot of people. So after deleting it and downloading it and alternating between the two of that for the past four hours, I've still got nothing to show for. Computer, you are crap. (But please don't hurt me). 

Wednesday as in today was... well, yesterday, I had this sudden realization. I know I get those a lot but they never really get old. I was reading fanfiction (as I do) and then it just like hit me. And then I cried for like an hour or something and I Was In The Bath (but, actually, shower). I had a terrible night last night (one of those surreal depressing dreams again) and thus woke up four minutes later than usual. My whole morning was crapped upon and there was nothing to eat for breakfast except for bread (and I really can't stomach the taste of bread at 6 in the morning) and I watched Grilled Cheesus on TV and cried for five minutes, sobbing into my bread. Rounding today was fine as usual as Lissa keeps us all to one place which is way easier for all of us, I guess, and I get stuck with the fun job of rounding around Block A and the Hall. Joy. 

I was hoping that at some points, the classes would start to feel less boring and more... like I was actually awake or something, but that day hasn't come yet so I'm forced to experience English lessons in all of its glory (can't I just go somewhere where you don't have to take a certain class when you're already good at it? Then it's bye-bye English and Science for me) and also, Maths classes, which is all right and all, but I wish we could be learning something other than, well, Maths. Which kind of defeats all the purposes in the book, but whatever. 

Interestingly enough, things picked up really hard when recess rolled around. I've never spent recess with Pri and Divyia and them people at all but it was awfully nice. There was Xueh Wei and Thivyaa and Sabrina and for a minute before Divyia went away, Ashwini as well, so it sort of (well, it did totally) feel like last year. And then about few minutes in, Elia came up and she asked me if I liked warm milk. Oh, God. And then ten minutes till the end of recess, I went to hang out with Nadiah and we had a conversation. 

I thought I would sleep ICTL away but that turned out not to be the case. Half spent with Pri and Divyia and Thivyaa and Nadhrah, I guess, and half spent with Nisa and Nina at the back filling out this really stupid personality score thing. Fun was had. Also enjoyed Islamic Studies because I finally finished my hafazan and talked a lot with Nadiah and even Zaza interjected once or twice. Zaza is lovely but I can't really figure out why. It went a little bit downhill after that, with us being on the receiving end of yet another incompetent (sorry, for using this word, God, I really am) Science teacher who looks suspiciously like my cousin followed by BM which was nice and all since we didn't have to do anything but write. 

After school was almost shitty and really useless so I won't even go into it but I did have a fun time during that 2 till 2.30 period (let's call the that stay back break). So there's that. 
I'm not saying they can't be friends because all things considered, I fell out of love for you little by little each day and fell more in love with you as a friend. I'm just saying that, as it stands, as I stand, it's just fucking cruel, man. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially not someone who has gone through that much. 
You know, you'd think that it still wouldn't hurt, wouldn't you? You'd think I'd be all happy and ready to move on now but truth is, not really. And don't worry your pretty little head about it because contrary to popular belief (I'm looking at you, Leela and Hell), I do know what I'm doing. So does everyone involved. So, yeah, I'm going to get hurt everyday but that's all right with me, because one day I'll forget this ever happened and I'll forget you and also, I'll be rich and have a pool. 

Fuck it, a swimming complex. Bet you I'll get one before the school does. 

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