The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Bracketed With Silly Love Songs

I'm going to put this under a Read More even though that doesn't necessarily make it any less completely exposed to the entire world but nevertheless, I feel more comfortable with it being that way. 

I can't remember much from Tuesday. I think the day started out normally and all I did for recess was eat or something? I did like Arts, though, which was the period right after recess. Call me sentimental, or, you know, preferably stupid, but I just like having Arts classes. Plus, I apparently improve at drawing with age. I still have crappy to zero imagination, though, but we had to draw aquatic animals and if I do say so myself, my fishes were, comparatively, very good. Plus, I finished all of them - with shading and everything! - in the designated time while everyone was still finishing up their first few fishes. All I wanted that day was for the day to end but two o'clock couldn't have come fast enough. 

I have no clue what happened on Thursday. I even had to check the calendar to make sure it wasn't a public holiday or something. I guess I was just asleep the whole day through? I mean, who did I even spend recess with, if at all? Did I sleep in the PR again (I'm assuming I did but I can't be sure)? Am I losing my mind? And not to be annoying or anything but This Is My Blog, is this real life? Or is it just fantasy? I'm pretty sure there was drama that afternoon but now that I think about it... 

Anyways, Friday, I could remember better. Went out to recess early to help out with the YE sales but ended up spending the entire time in the discipline room. Got called up, not for something bad or anything. A few classes later and I was on my way to the Gallery. Meeting was short and I kind of almost fell asleep, I think. Were the teachers there? I can't remember. Hung out in the canteen, went to 2C to hang around YE people but there weren't any strings and I left early because of drama anyways (definitely sure we had one on Friday) so I think that's all that went down. 

My weekend was uneventful and passed by way too slowly. I've been getting more and more hard on myself concerning studies because, to be honest, I slacked off after co-curricular activities picked up speed but now I'm back on somewhat shaky feet again. Learned a little here and there but mostly just swamped with homework. Can I make it for March tests? No clue considering how everyone around me seems to have already studied. We do not talk about Alisya but from what Zaza has told me, she (and by that, I meant Zaza, not Alisya) has already studied all the things for March tests and well, what can I say? Bloody Valentine. 

I think last night was fun. I won't tell you what I did, well, I don't really want to, but it's been a while since I've hung out with those people. And even if it wasn't face to face (you caught me - three way video chat with some of my friends while watching TV shows and movies), it was still nice. Plus, I had like a whole box full of pastries yesterday! Days like yesterday really just reminds me that I should be grateful with what I have and not want more. Specifically, not want things that I can't have and don't want me back, anyways. Anyways. 

Woke up this morning feeling horrible. Can't say I was ecstatic for school. I could have held it off longer. I could wait. Forever. But I did everything that needed to be done anyways (and still managed to forget to bring something I promised Elia I would bring for her) and went to school in my no-moodiness. Hanna was there this morning, though, because it's a Monday, so it wasn't all that bad and I didn't exactly feel the need to kill someone. Like, I know I shouldn't joke around about this because of Datin Mary's speech on suicide, but I can't help it. These thoughts come and go. It's not like I was that kid anymore, you know. Three years have passed and while I'm practically stuck in the very same situation as I was back then - no friends, terrible "love" life (if it can even be called that), facing a stupid standard examination - (although I guess when it comes to my family, I don't really have a problem with anyone anymore, not particularly, unless you count my Dad annoying me sometimes but I just think it's because my mother's not here to counterbalance him and hey, better him and her, you know?) I don't think I'll be picking up a knife or anything anytime soon. 

So, yes, assembly. Longer than expected. English class before recess, in which we discussed more on the whole visiting old folks' homes or orphanages or what have yous. Somehow, Sonia got dragged into our group and while I must admit, both Nisa and I have been very mean about her, it's not like we're completely at fault. These are one of those times wherein honesty simply begs rudeness. YE sales for recess again and then it's a few more really boring subjects and then YE. And then drama. And I asked Nadiah about whether I could go to her house sometimes like this Saturday perhaps? I'll bring Glee and I'll force her to watch. She's an interesting character, that one - on some level, I can tell she wants to watch (might even say she's excited to watch) and on another, she's all "my mother says no". It's not like I don't get it, I do. I mean, my parents banned me from watching Cartoon Network when I was younger because they thought shows like I Am Weasel and Johnny Bravo were a bad influence (stupidity wise) and I am thankful for that, although that might be where my general distaste and repulsion of all things stupid stemmed from, so thanks for making me completely unable to sit through a single episode of Mr. Bean, mother and Dad. But back to Nadiah: I don't think I'll bother her with the Will drama. I'll keep that to a minimum. Mostly, I just want to see her reaction to the Kurt storyline, since she so greatly disapproved of Grilled Cheesus. I know, right: do I not have anything else to talk about? Apparently not. 

I don't know if any of that made any sense. 

I look around me and I see all these people in loving, long lasting relationships and I can't help but be happy for them. Of course, there are others, friend of mine too, who have suffered, who are suffering and them, I won't mention, but the ones who are enjoying the best out of the14th of February (which, by the way, NOT Valentine's Day - just sort of a love day in which we celebrate love. Because Valentine's Day? You can't touch that). They look really happy, you know.

I'm not in any, way, shape or form insinuating that I'm unhappy with where I currently stand right now, in my life and in other people's lives (well, double check on that last one, but still, I'm only ever talking about like three to five people since I apparently know only so few out of the hundreds of semi-friends-more-like-acquaintances I have). I'd hate for anyone to think, "Wow, she's being ungrateful." It's not that. Or maybe it is and maybe I'm just too lazy to admit it? It's just, I am wondering, how do you get to that? How do you do that - be in a relationship for like a long, long, long time and still want to keep it going? I mean, maybe it's the cynic in me, the one that sat by my best friend when she broke up with her boyfriend of five years, or maybe it's just that I can't stand being in the position I am in right now. I don't know. Either way, I still feel bad and plus, I feel bad for feeling bad. 

Oh, come on, Hanna. You know you're not going to get married to the guy. You know nothing's ever going to come out of it except for maybe a few more months of angst. But still. It's that kind of optimism I love seeing in love. I still have it, you know. Even after what? Several months? Even after knowing everything that could go the way I don't want them to go did go that way. Even after giving up and gaining hope again and getting hurt and broken and crying and dealing with it, I still want. And mostly that's unfair, and I know that. It's not really my fault because I don't know how to fix it. Can it even be fixed? 

Mostly I am happy, though, because I have what everyone's asking for. It's just maybe it's not what I'm asking for. 

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