The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, February 11, 2011

between the lines of fear and blame

I feel uneven, like the bones are pushing right out of my skin
and through my hair I feel the cold air of the arctic outcry wind. 
I feel unsteady, like another step could throw me to the ground 
and laying there I feel the cold stares as the people gathered round.

I feel emotional, irrational, unbreakable, impossible to please,
I feel my finger on the trigger with a sense of urgency. 

I feel everything and nothing at the same time. 
Can a vagrant and a king commit the same crime? 
Or could it even be they share the same minds as you and I 
as you and I? 

I feel disconnected, like my heart is beating right out of my chest
and try as though I may, I can't escape eternal emptiness. 
I feel completely uncontrollable, untouchable, impossible to reach
I feel my finger on the trigger with a sense of urgency.

Mostly I have problems with Nadiah. It's not like I expect her to like gays, nor do I disrespect her for saying that she feels no pity for atheists (who have dying fathers). I just think that sometimes, you just have to enjoy what's here for you, right in front of you, life. If she wants a perfect world, she can't have it. It annoys me that she takes all this interest in something she knows full well she's going to negatively tear down in her mind. 

Also, no friends at all. None. 

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