The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Angels Sing In Defense of Charlie

It's not that I don't like you, I do. And it's not like you don't make me happy because honest to God, sometimes the only thing I cling to is the memories that I have of the two of us together. It's more like everything about you makes me angry for absolutely no reason and last year, I took a chance, risked it, jumped a couple dozen sharks because I thought that however badly I could get hurt by opening myself up, the alternative, and the alternative here is not being friends with you at all, would hurt a lot more. Now I'm not so sure anymore, especially since for God knows what reasons, it seems like you're pushing me away and I hope you know I JUST HOPE YOU FUCKING KNOW that it hurts a lot whenever you do that. And I get it, maybe I've hurt you a lot over the past year or so, intentionally or not, but I thought you of all people wouldn't take it to heart. I thought you of all people should understand my defense mechanisms by now. So I don't get why you're putting walls up, I don't get why you just don't want to hang out with me anymore, and it hurts a lot, regardless of whatever it is you think I did to you last year and regardless of whatever it is that I think you did to me last year. 

And it sucks because it's exam week and I kind of need somebody to lean on right now. So you know what I am just so sick and tired and I know I keep saying this and coming back for more but this time I don't know if it's ever going to be worth it. It was good while it was good because we shared a mutual dislike for someone but then, well, I don't even know what happened there and now that that someone is gone, who knows, maybe this is how you're coping with it because I've got my ways, too, but for God's sake, I have no idea what's going on with you because I thought everything was fixed, I really did, and now this happens and I am not only hurt, I am so damn confused. 

I don't even know what I want. 

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