I haven't been living up to my full potential. At the end of the day, there's no doubt in my mind that I can do the things that I can do, be the things I want to be and I am talented, I am a good person, I am intelligent and Goddammit, it doesn't matter if other people agree or not, it doesn't matter if they laugh at me or mock my words because I am confident. I am confident I have the confidence. People don't take me seriously because I've never shoved anything but my overly egotistical opinions and the more than occasional self praise but I have the goods to back it up. Just because I don't push you to realize that I'm a genius doesn't mean that I'm not.
I'll never be zen like Qian Rui, whose intelligence attracted people's respect and kindness dispels people's hatred. I'll never be Violet, who tries and makes the effort. I'll never be Afiqah, who kind of looks above-it-all (although I'm not at liberty to comment, not really, since I'm not that close to her). I'll never be Fatihah, who tries a little bit too hard. I'll never be Alisya, who just tries to try period. I'll never be any of these people because I will always just be me. And at the end of it all, wasn't it enough? Didn't 'being me' got me top of the class, beating out fierce competition like Heer Raj last time around?
Think of Divya and her fuck ugly hair and her fuck ugly face and her fuck ugly personality. Think of Alisya, queen of blank stares and sitting-alone-in-the-corner-of-a-room-reading-a-book. She's generic. She's nothing special. She's a dancer. Think of Sonia, who is actually smart for some reason, but she doesn't, she ABSOLUTELY DOESN'T deserve it. Think of all of that and think. Because I have that potential. Because I am that good. Or at least I could be.
I don't understand why I always push but never really push enough.
I can walk the walk. I can back it up. I don't need to be any kind of genius but myself. Be good, be better, be the best.
The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.
Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.