The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, January 3, 2011

What Did You Expect?

It hurts to hear but it had to be said. Hel was right. What did I expect? 

Like, maybe I expected there to be some mix-up and Friday wasn't the day to end all happy days? Like, maybe I expected that when I get there, everyone would just surround me with fuzziness and friendship and all of those other things preschool programs have on their shows that I would suddenly forget just how much I hated school? Like, maybe I expected everything to be so back to normal, that we'd... we'd... I don't know. Do that again. 

Get your head out of the gutter, I was talking about something else. 

Instead, I woke up this morning at 5 and stayed in front of the computer for a whole hour, not really doing anything, too scared to head over to the kitchen in case I might run into some unwanted cockroach-like company. Or companies. I finally got everything together a little later than usual because I couldn't find my watch and I didn't have a nailclipper on my person so I had to search high and low for it and anyways, came a little bit later than usual but the McDonald's-looking canteen was kind of full of people. All hugging and stuff. 

And that's when it hit me for the first time this year. The first time of probably many, many times. I really, really hate this place. Logging in was a messy business but by the end of it, I came out relatively unscathed and bubbling with ecstasy because for one thing, Group 2 and my FN is Gate, which was on my wishlist and for another, canteen duty, also a wishlist entry. And to top off the metaphorical ice-cream sundae of awesomeness: 2D. I would write a poem about this later but it's just about to get extremely boring. 

Form 1s were so funny. It took me like four to five times of muttering, "Nails, nails, nails, nails, may I please check your nails please?" for them to get the memo to show me their nails. Cue socks as well. I wasn't like that, or at least I don't think so. I was kind of late for the first day. Anyways, so much fun had at Gate 1 during Assembly and by so much fun I meant it really sucked but the Assembly ended as fast as excruciatingly possible and we prefects broke in our new shirts by sweating in them. Ah, I kind of missed carrying all those chairs and tables to the basements. Not really. 

So the night before (jumping a bit, aren't we?), Nisa called me and asked me if we could sit together. We had somewhat already confirmed this when we went out with Raihan and Afreena the other day so I figured, set in stone, right? No, fucking wrong. I came in and she was sitting next to Nina and she said, she actually said, she, the girl who called me up and asked if we could sit together said: "Sorry, I didn't save you a seat." I don't know what force of sheer will was up my sleeves and seeping into the very core of my very calm soul because usually when I get angry, I start to cry and throw things around simultaneously but not this time. Nope. I just smiled. "That's OK I'll just sit next to this new girl." New Girl (Alisya, Alisha or whatever) is from TKC and she knows Raihan and she likes to dance and she's apparently the biggest nerd in the whole form. No, seriously. I have Esther in class now and plus from what I've heard, she's not that "getcha head in the game". Not Violet, not Divya and on most occasions, not even that Fatihah girl or whatever her name is (you know the one in Form 1 who got super pissed when she worked really hard and didn't get first and I got first instead despite not really studying at Goddamn all?)  studies like New Girl does. Motivation, maybe? We all knew what happened when I sat next to Heer Raj (major competition ensued and I came out on top) so maybe I'll be blessed. You know, one door closes (bitch of a "best friend" doesn't save a seat for you), another one opens (sit next to study freak and beat the crap out of her in exams). 

Earlier in the morning, I had asked Divyia to help save seats for two (aren't I nice, Nisa?) and Pri was all waving at me and I ignored her but really what I wanted to say was, "Hi, FRIEND. Thanks for the Christmas greetings, and the New Year's wish and also, thanks for wishing me happy birthday!" Which brings us to post-Nisa-wouldn't-save-me-a-seat rage, in which I actually said those things to Pri and she ended up telling Nadiah who told me during recess. Ah, high fucking school full of fucking lesbians. 

Recess was great, though. Ditched Nisa and latched onto Iylia and Iylia was talking about all of this stuff about fantasy worlds and I know I'm going slightly off the bend when I say things like this but honest to God at this moment it feels like Iylia is the only person who understands me. If Iylia and Zaza were my best friends, then all my problems would be solved, right? Sadly, I had this freakshow to deal with: Nadiah. She wanted to introduce me to her sister. They look nothing alike. On another topic, over at another table, Aleena has grown (if such thing was possible) abominably taller, Intan Intan-er and I saw Lana and we hugged hugged and kissed kissed without the kiss parts. But in all seriousness, I did miss Lana a lot. We ended up circling the canteen talking about Lana's Klaine dream (we might only be able to discuss two fandoms - Glee and American Idol - and we recycle topics of conversations all day, everyday, but it's just fun talking to her, you know? I've stopped caring what kind of person Lana is, it's just plain ol' fun) and then I rang my first bell of the year (everyone had left me at that point and Elia came up - hugs, hugs, kiss, kiss! - and it was really nice to see Elia. Like seriously. It's not like I don't miss everyone else but Elia is kind of special. I kind of know why but I don't want to come out and write it). 

After recess, I talked a bit with Nisa before realizing it was kind of a lost cause since I was still extremely mad. I don't know how my brain processes things actually because straight after a somewhat stilted (see: failed) conversation with Nisa, I headed over to Pri's table and told her the joke I had up my sleeve ever since Kai told me she was transferring. I swear, that girl is thicker than a wall of bricks because it took her like five minutes to get it. But we had lulz. And hugs. And bottle-changing conversations. 

Classes itself weren't so bad. I can tell that I'm definitely going to be able to follow it all, even if they have all gone a bit crazy on workload. So far, what we've had is Sejarah with Pn. A (going to be so dull, I'm going to have to tape my eyes open but the workload seems fair), Islamic Studies was OK and something I could definitely get used to, BM with Mr. A again (look, this brought back so many memories. He seems to have forgotten all the good things about me and only remembered the bad which kind of sucks but, oh, well, what did you expect?), and finally, Geography with Pn. G which is going to go smoothly as far as I can tell even though this class, too, is a snooze fest. For someone who only had two hours of sleep (barely), I stayed upright pretty solidly through it all. Plus, no conversation partner because McGenius over there was reading the BM novel. Which I've finished during the holidays. No big. 

Look, on the surface, things aren't bad but they're so not good either. I didn't think about what having two majorly clashing problems in the same class as me was going to be like. Nisa's going to bring me down again on one hand and on the other, Charlie McWater Bottle is going to make me remember everything about last year, good and bad, and make me somehow want that again. 

Rained two hours straight during the last periods, carrying on until school ended. My Dad basically told me I'm useless in the car and my mother is home at this rather inopportune time. Always one for timing, that woman. On the bright side, all homework is completed and no neurotic half-psychopath for a class teacher this year: got Cik M in her stead. Ah, joyous life. 

I do realize that I'm on the right path: seemingly perfect teachers and wondrous schedule, plus prefects duties not being a big burden and my sitting next to McGenius giving me all the motivation in the world. My only resolution for the year, right? To be the best. Getting there, all right. Might not be psychologically okay at the end of the road, but getting there. 

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