The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Weekend Again

Weekend's once again upon us. I had written all of this week's blog posts immediately after school ended so you don't really get an idea of what I did after. To sum it all up: my sleeping schedule has been a mess and it doesn't really matter anymore if I get a full and good 8 hours of sleep, I will still feel tired; the homework assignments that just pile up as you go along - to be honest, I don't mind because it keeps me busy and on my toes and I can definitely keep up with everything; I have been embracing a life of coffee; my computer now has low disk space despite the fact that I just cleared out a bunch of unused video editing programs so it looks like I just can't win, can I?; studying is like the bane of my existence, I just do it for no fathomable reason; haven't touched my phone or Skype in a week but I went to Maze's house on Monday when I wasn't feeling so well. I had two hours of sleep there (at home, there's more or less twenty-four hour's worth of noise and mayhem, courtesy of a freak of a nine year old girl and a now three year old boy) and then studied some and finished all of my homework and then we even had time to make a music video of us mashing up a McFly song with Bad Reputation. I have it in my camera as we speak. 

Yeah, Monday was a good day. And today didn't disappoint! From 3 o'clock right up to right now (which is seven minutes to nine), I have been doing homework nonstop. And I'm still not done. Basically, what I want to do is clear up my schedule for the weekend. I think my sister's going to be here sometime around tomorrow afternoon? Evening? And we're going to do family stuff for my birthday and on Monday is my sister's birthday (as well as Naqib! - he who made me feel really special last year when he kept commenting on my appearance. It really helps in the confidence department, you know, so all the props in the world to you, man) so it's going to be a nice change for once. I don't have anything planned in my study schedule (by the way, I have one of those - surprise, surprise!) so I'm going to totally focus on birthday mania. 

I actually made a sort of promise to myself that this year, I'd make an effort with birthday presents. As if it wasn't bad enough that I stole a present for Lana, gave a bunch of people RM1 or a few cents at most, asked my aunt to "surprise me" with something from her jewelry store to give to Hanna at her party, barely wished some people, didn't give Nisa anything even though she got me a present, almost decided not to say anything to Prii (and then gave her a present only to ask for it back), definitely didn't give D and Hel anything after everything they've done for me, went to the Tumblr thing to meet Mei on her birthday and didn't give her anything, and exchanged presents with Maze which had the same value as his present for me which basically means we just bought something for ourselves and exchanged them, which was what we did. And I didn't give my sister a birthday present, either, even though she spends like tons of money on me. I should at least try, right? 

This year's goal is quite reasonable (be good, be better, be the best) so I'm probably going to make next year's goal 'gain more weight and basically, get fat' because I only eat when I'm happy and right now, I never feel in the mood to eat so it'd be a waste to try to acclimate myself to eating a lot this year. 

For my birthday, I only have one wish. It's a stupid wish, a selfish wish and one which I don't think will happen overnight. I'm working at it, though. I guess just like with everything in my life, things aren't just going to be handed to me on a silver platter. I have to make the damning effort. But at least I'm not alone. I might feel lonely sometimes but I think there's always going to be people whom I can go to to hear me out. I know I shouldn't have wished for this and on mostly all levels, I know I don't deserve it just like I don't deserve everything good that has ever happened to me (except for getting high marks in History because I really studied for those) but at the same time, just one little toe in that pool and I'm already grinning like an idiot. Can't imagine getting there and being there and having that again. 

Yeah, no one knows what I'm talking about but that's OK. I think I'll send out a few texts to remind people of my birthday now. Oh, and before I forget, the second thing on my wishlist is Chris Colfer. Bye and have a good weekend! 

Footnote: Realize what I did? We Can Again/Weekend Again? Am I the only one who thought this was particularly stitch-worthy? 

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