The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Unmend, Unbroken, Unburn

And here we go again.

Well, I haven't exactly been busy. More dead, actually. I just go home, go to sleep for hours on end and wake up for whatever's necessary. I don't usually make a big deal out of weekends because sooner than I'll know it, Monday will be on the horizons yet again but today, I actually felt compelled to say TGIF. I watched some Resident Evil movies with my sister yesterday (do the order of the movies matter?) and I feel like lately, my life is beginning to feel more and more like that. Like Resident Evil. It's like you think everything's all right and fine and dandy after destroying your enemies/a bunch of mutant zombie shit but then nope, a few other dozen problems come rolling right on in.

Wednesday and Thursday
We had PMD and to be honest, I was kind of looking forward to it. Too bad it sucked. Last year during PMD, I actually made friends but this year, it wasn't about fun and friends, it was more like the school inviting a bunch of guest lecturers to shove more PMR crap on our faces. I don't mind, to be exact. I don't feel pressured or anything. Workload's fine and if everything goes according to plan (which it probably won't anyway but fingers crossed!), I'll manage to cover everything like a genius, born and raised. Anyways, so last year, coming out of 1F and going into 2G, of course I barely knew anyone so that period of two or was it three days were mainly about just bonding with the classmates (I found it especially adorable when they dressed me up in that newspaper costume thing) but this year it was nonstop FOCUS.

I get it, of course I do. They want us to focus on the exams and pass with flying colors and be successful in life. But it kind of comes to the point where I think that that's all they care about. I can't really explain what I feel properly. It's just that I think they place too much emphasis on exams and scoring straight A's that that's all the students' mindsets are going to be set on. Education is wasted on the stupid. They give you the format, give you all you need, expect you to do all the work and get good grades and that's it. I'm not saying that they're not allowing us to branch out (I'd rather not get into the fact that the extra curriculars provided are limited and kind of useless, to be honest - and may I once again mention how stupid it is to put orchestra and choir on the same level as everything else), I'm just saying that what with all the shit they have heaped upon us, nobody really has the time to stop and think. 

So PMD was boring and useless. I had to endure hours-long talks of emotions and how to handle them (and the stupidest experience of hypnotherapy I've ever had the misfortune to take part in), mind-map making and group studying (I steadfastly believe that I am superior and studying with people will only bring me down). 

We had to do this exercise thing where we stuck a piece of paper on our backs and the results are as pictured above. 
I don't really understand (and forgive me if you're simply writing it for the sake of writing it and not being literally literal) why you'd consider sarcasm a weakness. You can ask me to stop if you want (and whether or not I choose to listen to you is entirely up to me, owner of my own mouth and brain) or you could just stop being friends with me altogether if my sarcasm is bordering on "not funny" (and you're right in one there - I wasn't aiming for funny. I was aiming more for making you feel like an idiot and being mean simultaneously). It really is no bother at all. (I wrote "liar", by the way, after something Nisa said. I wrote it myself). (And Nisa wrote "bitch").

Friday was the worst end to a week yet (as of this year) and that sucks because it's only the second week of school. I don't really know what came over me on Friday; I guess it was a culmination of my intense hatred and personal conflicts and prejudices against some people, my extreme dislike of all things school and the utter unfairness of the situation. I went home and complained to my sister and she gave me possibly one of the worst (and hurtful) advice I have ever received (my sister is nice in most aspects of her personality but she sucks at giving advice - or maybe it's just to me - because she tends to get rather holy and righteous and condescending when it comes to advising. And then I went ahead and cried a lot because sometimes, just a few times a year, I get really pissed at myself and I wish to be someone else and that, in turn, makes me even more mad. I don't even know how I'm going to go through the whole year living in This Bleak and Really, Really Unfair Life but I guess I have to suck it in and maybe steal something of You Don't Know Who But I Do's. 

Yes, I realize how unfair it is of myself to be mad at the people I'm mad at but to be perfectly rational, anger makes a person feel irrationally. I know how biased I am in this situation but really, weren't human beings supposed to have some form of tact? I mean, that's what (when it comes down to it) differentiates humans from animals, right? The ability to tell right from wrong - and by that extension, to tell what does and does not constitute as annoying, crossing the line, pushing the boundaries between "Hfzh is pissed at you" and "Hfzh wants to kill you", etc. etc.

Terrible, absolutely horrible. The level of unfairness that exists in the Universe really appalls me sometimes even though I've been alive for no less than fourteen years. (Right, Hanna, right?) What made it worst was probably my lack of sleep as I had stayed up finishing the Audition Sheets with Maze on Skype. Regardless, drama went as well as expected. There's only 18 of us now, another half yet to be filled out and we gave a speech each. Was particularly happy with Dan's "this isn't school" speech because it reminded me of Sara. And I got to give my inspirational individuality piece. All was well. 

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