The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Toxic

Different people bring different things into your life. You know how they say that you are the product of everyone you have ever met? That your personality is basically defined by the company you keep? All true, obviously.

I know what everyone has brought to my life, of course, starting from Farhana; when we stopped being friends, I had a complete personality do-over and started doing everything differently. When I didn't belong to any clique in Year 5, I was a different person. When I was friends with Afreena and them in Year 6, I was a different person. Form 1, different person. I had Nisa and to some extent, she always made me work harder (because she calls me and asks about homework on a regular basis and when I get to school, she'll copy off of me, assuring that I never slack off). Last year, different person. Nadiah made me a different person. Maze made me a different person. Everyone just contributed a little or a lot to making me into the person that I am today.

The problem that I've discovered, however, is that no matter what kind of impact a person has brought to your life, to you, when they leave, everything will go back to square one. It will be as if you've never had anything to do with them in the first place. Form 2 I slacked of terribly, barely doing any homework at home and instead opting to do it the very period before it was due.

It doesn't matter how much they mean to you, a lot or just a little. Impact is still an impact. Different people bring different things to your life. Sadly, there's only one person I had somewhat trusted enough to bestow my stability on. I need more of that this year: stability. Some people bring something really bad to your life. Bad feelings, bad drama, bad everything. To be honest, I started writing with a definite direction but right now, I choose to just give up because things are just really personal right now.

I give up on writing this so this is all you get.

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