The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, January 31, 2011

throw him overboard and we will turn our heads for you

Here is what's wrong with you.

All through the first year I met you, we constantly bashed people from dropping Adam Lambert down a few pegs because he was gay. Honestly, I thought you were very pro-gay rights, even before I fully realized what that meant. I thought you were all for equality because when Afreena made that really obscene and lewd comment about butts and Adam Lambert (and how he likes it up the butt), you were livid. We had that in common, our love for Adam Lambert and then later on I figured out that your taste in music wasn't bad. Wasn't good, but it wasn't bad at all.

So naturally you were the first person I thought of to explain about my situation. I was as confused as any fourteen year old would be placed in a similar situation. I had absolutely no idea what to do, much less if I should actually do something and guess what? When I told you I had a crush on a girl, I was talking about Helena, someone you didn't even know. After all of that, all of the things we said about people who were against Adam Lambert and against LGBT, riddle me this: why was it that you seemed so, so, so uncomfortable when I semi-came out.

You stuttered and barely said something along the lines of "that's great". Let me tell you something: that is not how you react to someone's semi-coming out. Hanna's reaction of, "Are you serious? Tell me you're not serious?" was more appropriate. Maze's reaction of, "Oh my God, ya, Allah," was more appropriate. Helena's, "FUCK YES." Pri's what the fuck expression. Nisa's giggle. Kai's nonchalant, "I know." All were leaps and bounds more appropriate because they were genuine. What you gave me was so terrible. It was really shaky and uncertain and didn't contain any hint of emotion at all which leads me to think that you were trying really hard not to show a negative emotion.

Don't go twisting words out of my mouth because I tried to tell you one thing and you thought another. Another thing I don't understand is why you felt the need to tell Nisa. I don't understand you because all of the things you did were inappropriate. They weren't the least bit genuine and you just seemed like the best, the best possible candidate at the time to semi-come out to. You turned out to be the worst out of all the people that know.

You're a hypocrite because you go on and on and on about being pro-equality but you know shit about that. You are obviously uncomfortable with me and you are obviously just trying to get something out of this because why else would you go ahead and tell Nisa? Without fact-checking? Without heeding my words of, "Oh, no, I don't like her. I just thought it'd be nice to tell her."

You know what, fuck you. Do you even know about Kai's history? Or maybe you do but you still treat her like she's the fucking Sun, right, because she is Kai fucking Zawawi and I'm just your loser confused friend? Get a life, homophobe.

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