The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

The S Word


Maybe somewhere between all the dreams and the actual reality, I relied too much on Fantasy!Me or AU!Me to be doing all the work, to be facing all the problems, to be making all the effort and I just forget sometimes that the lines between those two people aren't blurred. In fact, I would hardly say there is a line at all. I'm pretty sure we're the same person. One and only. 

That's the problem with getting too caught up in yourself, I guess. I sit up at night, around 2 in the morning, actually, watching videos and reading fanfiction and I have to assure myself, absolutely make myself certain, that this is all right. This is normal. I know it's not. I know that it is, if not morally wrong, then it's just wrong and it is 2 in the morning and I should really get my sleep and not waste away the precious time I have reading things that are a fictional product of fiction.

At some point, at some time, I am going to be doing all the work, I am going to be facing all the problems and I am going to be making all the effort because there's only one of me to go around. And as always, the world isn't going to hand me the tools I need on a silver platter. As well as working tirelessly towards a goal, I'm also going to have to put in the fucking effort to get the necessary tools. And in the midst of all of this, I'm somehow going to find the time to read fanfiction. 

I'm not crazy. Or at least I'd like to think not. I just have high expectations and this is the year I'm not going to hold it back any longer. What the hell is a 3.89? Unacceptable, that's what. 

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