The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Peaches to Peaches

Today was a very weird day for me. You know one of those days when you just feel excited one minute and giddy the next, happy one second and then inexplicably depressed the other? I don't know, man, but at any rate, my teeth just hurts. I had my orthodontist appointment for the month at 4 - it's now purple and I'm now wearing this anchor thing that makes me talk like... well, you'll know when you listen to me. If you even get that fortunate opportunity. My Dad said, "Imagine if you hadn't gotten braces a month ago! Then you wouldn't have to suffer through the pain and we wouldn't have to pay all that money." Holy Cheesus. 

I sort of maybe lost my glasses (actually, I did lose my glasses. It was about time, actually, since some dumbass shit hole stole its case during co-curricular registrations for no good Goddamn reason and, well, I was just calmly waiting for the day that I would lose the glasses, too, but it's such a shame since I really liked that pair and my Dad's so huffy and puffy about it, he says he's buying me the cheapest pair of glasses he can get his hands on). I swear, I had it on during Girl Guides while we were in 3G and I was wiping it with Ira's cloth and stuff, and then Nisa, Afreena and I left after the whole Gallery fiasco to go put our books and cards back in our bags and then we headed to the toilet and when we rejoined the Guides, I wasn't even aware I was wearing glasses earlier. I thought I had taken them off when I changed into my sports attire. Well, what can be done, I'd like to ask? Nothing. And my Dad complained that I was treating it too nonchalantly. What can be done? 

So I checked the Pondok Ilmu and 3G and my glasses definitely are missing. The morning was quite good, actually, and I'm thankful to have Xueh Wei follow me around. I was pretty sleepy before recess so I was all droopy and mopey and I didn't talk to anyone during Islamic Studies and practically slept all through Science (I had so much fun studying Science during the holidays but the actual classes leave a lot to be desired). Recess was so lackluster and boring and just full of negative vibes because the sky was sort of downcast and everyone was milling around and after a while, the faces started to blur together and I wasn't enjoying picking my way through all the trash these dumbfuck Neanderthals left lying around (actually, I'd like to think the Neanderthals were rather clean folk, just to demonstrate how backwards some of SA's students' mentalities are when it concerns cleanliness). Luckily for everyone involved in the matter (i.e. canteen prefects), tomorrow would be our last day.

After recess was Arts which was had at the Arts room, of course. I wasn't satisfied with my shading because Khairin's looked badass but overall, it wasn't necessarily bad (especially compared to others') so I'm content with it. My drawing skills are A+, though. I was still kind of not in much of a mood for anything but then Nisa told me a little something something and suddenly I found myself alive with renewed vigour. Slamming books on the table and all of that. Maths was Maths-y and BM was all right, for the most part. Last subject of the day was English and everyone went to the Pusat Akses (I am sorry, I have no clue what that's supposed to be in English) where about two groups did their presentations on those famous people. We got Tunku Abdul Rahman (and I did a just-in-case, really crappy presentation all by myself that had like three pages of information and the rest were pictures), which is all shades of suck because while he was a pretty great guy, he died before technology was advanced enough to fully document his life so the little we know aren't all that interesting. 

Nisa is not someone who commonly lets something slip into a conversation. The moments in which she accidentally says something are few and far between (and that's probably why it sometimes takes her a while to answer things) so it's either she did it intentionally or she honestly thought I wouldn't catch what she said. 

I kind of feel creeped out, giggly beyond belief, relieved, astonished, depressed, catatonic and a whole slew of other feelings that probably don't relate to each other about this. I mean, on one hand, I have no idea if she's lying or not. She could very well be. I mean, generally, she doesn't lie, and to be fair, she didn't exactly just helter skelter throw out names of people. She's fair when... OK, to be perfectly honest, I have no idea what the hell is wrong with people like Lana and Nisa, but far from it that be our topic of conversation, so I'm not going to talk about this until a few more paragraphs. 

Just getting the ball rolling here. So what if she's lying? Then it's one super creepy, super mean joke. But if she's not then that is one super creepy, super CREEPY thing to... say? Do? Have? I don't know. She has literally gotten me at a lost for words. I mean, I couldn't stop laughing, for one thing, and for another... I'm sorry, in case this hasn't been emphasized enough: SUPER DUPER CREEPY FRIEND BLOG 2K11. 

If it's worth anything, though, Afreena did say something that makes me think that Nisa wasn't lying. On certain levels, at least. Because... because, well, why? I mean, I get the whole Afreena thing, I really do. She has a bit of a history with... infatuation (I'm sorry - I haven't had an ellipsis overload since I started writing like a civilized human being so apologies all around) and plus she was super duper creepy (yes, creepier than this situation, I should say) way back when when she was "finding herself" and "going through her identity dilemma". But Nisa? Nisa? I'm sorry, we're talking about the same Nisa who nicknamed me "Libby", here. Same Nisa who- Cheesus, I would really like to know how other people talk about me when I'm not around. 

I just can't get over it. I can't wrap my head around it, nor can I grasp the concept. I can't do anything with it really, except laugh a lot, because the Universe is so funny sometimes I just cannot deal with it. What happened there with me was... well, I wouldn't say it wasn't a simple repeat of history (hello, Evolution) but, well, what can I say? I was never creepy about it. It was never anyone... distant, I guess you could say. Those kinds of phases came and went for me in primary. I kind of feel that all of this (and then some because since you weren't there, you are not the judge of any damn thing) justifies my actions for the time being. I mean, nothing is going to happen anymore because it's like Kurt moving to Dalton. (Buy, hey, you know, the Kum ship hasn't totally sunk yet, I AM JUST SAYING). It's just super creepy and I don't understand how people could be like this. Maybe I should ask Loginy. Maybe she would provide me with all the answers I seek. 

Last year, I told Lana something that was really stupid and in retrospect I should not have done it. I should have stuck to Plan A but of course I chickened out of Plan A because of the whole Evolution thing so I told Lana instead. Instead of Plan A. (Imagine how different it could be if I had stuck to Plan A. I'm not saying anything and I'm not suggesting anything at that but just imagine). Semi-regret there even though, you know, don't regret what you've done, regret what you haven't, all of that, and we got to that square later on, but that's a different story. Perhaps. Or perhaps I'm just never going to talk about that day ever again. Nevertheless, I'll just stick to this Lana thing. So I told her one simple thing and then a few days later I texted her and my exact words were: So do you think I should tell her or not? (Her being "Plan A" and before you start getting any ideas, this was just one of your run of the mill all girls high school drama thing and therefore, probably none of anybody's fucking business). Lana somehow got it into her motherfucking head what she had gotten into her motherfucking head. In all of reality, I've never encountered anything so pathetically ridiculous. And she sent me a sympathetic, "It's OK. I know a lot of people who are just like you, too, and ALL THE CRAP IN THE WORLD." Fuck it, I should have just gotten advice from Talya or something, right? 

And then motherfucking Lana went and told motherfucking Nisa and motherfucking, secret-blabbling, idiot of a best friend who doesn't save a seat for me even when I told her to went ahead and decided it would be fun to tell Afreena. 

I don't get it. I don't get your logic. I mean, what the fuck? 

Actually, this whole thing is just what the fuck so you know what? Thank God it's Friday tomorrow and after half an hour of doing Transferring in a room filled with termite dust, I will be home and I'll never have to step foot in that hell hole for a week. Good fucking riddance. 

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