The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, January 31, 2011

February

This post officially doesn't make sense at all. Read at your own risk. 

Hello, let's get personal. You probably don't know me but if you're reading this, then you probably know my name. You probably know my face and how my voice sounds like and you might even have my number in your pocket. You might even have had the one in a million opportunity to talk to me, experience a world of sarcasm beyond anything you've ever dreamed of, attempted to decipher what the things I say mean and then giving up miserably. You might know who I am in the sense that you might have heard of me and you might have had a conversation with me, but really, what have I really told you about myself that cements the fact that you know me? 

I've been writing and reading a lot lately. Reading Klaine and Hevans fanfiction and working on a little original side project of my own. Currently, I am somewhat proud of it. It's wordy, very wordy by my standards and has exceeded five thousand words in the first chapter alone. It's about a girl I used to know and I know what sort of retort you might have to that. People have asked me who this girl is and I have always, flat out refused to tell them. Only Maze knows at this point, I think, because only he has read the first (and very rough) draft. She's this girl I used to know a year ago or maybe it was more than that. The story's set about ten years into the future and it's mainly about her, from her point of view. She's what I call a 'dying star'. I really owe a lot to Hanna, actually, who inspired me to write this last year but I only ever got around to writing it after going through some really rough patches earlier on in the month. 

Here's the thing, I realized that in my recent writings, I took a drastic turn (shut up, I know I sat that a lot). I know it could be hugely blamed on my reading too much gay fanfiction. I used to write really, really straight. And I don't mean straight as in heterosexual, I just meant that I write straight. There were always barriers I never crossed, words I promised myself never to use, and the people who shouldn't be written in stayed unwritten. But rereading my first chapter, it's all just a big mess of everything I didn't want it to be. I didn't want it to be a love story. I didn't want it to be cynical and borderline satirical and I never wanted my main character to be self-deprecating because she's already a bundle of doom as she stands today, I don't think she deserves a future as bleak as the one I've painted for her. Because she's special to me and I wanted to do her justice by her as a person and as a character and I never meant for any of it to come out sounding so fake, so self-indulgent and obnoxious and... I just never expected myself to break my own rules. 

The thing you've got to understand about writing any type of homosexual fanfiction (be it fluff or angst - or the one genre I haven't grown the balls to approach: puff) is equality. Normally, I write boys like boys and girls like girls but you can't do that with gay fanfiction. You'd probably end up with a flat story, with absolutely no set tone and the whole pronoun thing is going to end up confusing your readership. Romance can be carried off really simply if you're writing hetero but with same sex pairings, I think you have to put in just a little bit more care into it, a little bit more emotion. I'm not saying anything, I'm just saying that in real life, there's equality, but when it comes to writing, you've got to reach out to the readers, somehow touch people's hearts, and it takes a lot to do that when the exchange of 'he' and 'she' aren't as clear as day to read. 

That's what I've realized about my writing. I used to have a few gay side characters but even when I tried to write them, fully realize them as real characters and not just cardboard sidekicks, I always stayed true to a gender. Girls acted like girls and guys acted like guys. And for my most recent story, I just stepped it up on a whole new invisible level. It was almost like writing an entire cast of bisexual characters. They were all equal. They all basically acted as equal as was equally possible. 

I have no clue why I wrote all of that. I guess that recent events have just gotten me completely confused and there's no one to talk to. I mean, really talk to. Not just the half-conversations I have with Maze before I go to bed. Not just the staircase conversations I have with Hanna every school morning. There's no one to tell me what I should be doing and what I shouldn't, and there's no one providing me with a distraction. 

I think I mentioned in some previous post or another that whenever I get sad, I make myself even sadder by saying four words over and over and over again to myself. In class, usually during History, there would be this sudden flash of emotion, not unlike an entire box of memories just toppling over and spilling out in my mind, and I would have to focus really hard on the textbook to stop myself from crying. Once, in the library, I was looking at Pri's black book (the one where she sticks all her little notes in) and just felt like... killing myself. I'd laugh because it's the only thing I can think of doing. I'd smile, because, really, what else is there? But really in my mind, I'm telling myself that I don't really have anyone to lean on, not this year, probably never again. Because two people I really depended on last year left me and I can only describe my relationship with some of my other friends as 'drifting apart'. Because even though there is Hanna and Elia and Zaza and a whole bunch of other people I can comfortably interact with, it's not going to change anything because the two people I had hoped would make my year turned out to be a) the person who's just going to end up making me feel terrible until the end of time and b) the person who didn't save a seat for me even when I asked her to and she also happened to have told Afreena that I was a lesbian. Which, by the by, not true. So, that's what my year's going to be like, especially in this class; no Nadiah, no Kai. Four words. 

I guess on one hand, you could chalk it up to it being the first month of school and I'm just not feeling it and all of that, but realistically, this time last year... why, this time last year, I watched Paranormal Activity after almost sharing a room with a baby snake; all of this happened in a somewhat complete stranger's house - someone I had only known for around a few weeks or something? And plus, I don't think I've ever spoken to Elia before that. I was never comfortable last year, but I had some form of footing. This year, it just feels like I'm falling and I can never anticipate when I will land. On my face. 

Getting out of topic: don't you think the world works in weird ways? Like how you discovered a rumor about a schoolmate but before that you barely see said schoolmate around but afterwards, you see her around practically every corner? Or how you're bemoaning a rather tragic incident that you had the misfortune to experience, like, say breaking up with a girl named 'Rose' and then suddenly, the radio plays a song about some girl named 'Rose'? Or how you're watching a television show that mentioned a specific product and then a few minutes later, said product appears on your Tumblr Dashboard? Little things like that? 

For drama class's first half, we're doing Aladdin

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