The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Broken Down Dynamics

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

I don't know if you realize this, but certain blog posts are written with a specific companion in mind. For example, the last two posts We Can Again and Weekend Again was sort of obvious. I also remember having posts like Once You've Fallen In followed by You Can't Get Out, Not Happy and Not Really Happy, Tomorrow, Tomorrow! and Today, Today!, Show Me Some Negativity and Show Me Some Positivity, and my obvious Eleven series. For the less obvious ones, there's Learning To Fly and Without Wings and more recently, three posts that are definitely connected on some basis, Regeneration, Centrifugal Force and, well, Redolence: Part Deux.

Broken Down Dynamics accompanies this post, Interlude 28. It's funny, right, to read all of your older blog posts because you were that person and yet here you are today, at this very moment, so completely different from that person and yet you're still you. They still call you by your name, you still live in the same house with the same people and you've still held onto some of your more stubborn character traits. So surreal, so very bizarre to think and try to understand and accept the fact that that was me, last year, writing all of those things down. Another mind-boggling food for thought: this blog has now been up and running for three years. Not three full years, not by a long shot, but still. Three years. That's a long time considering my track record with commitments.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

I guess you could say I woke up today pretty certain I knew what the day had in store for me. I knew my place, as well as other people's places and I knew how everything was going to eventually fall into place. As always, the Universe doesn't fail in the delivery. They just decide to do complete 180s and give you your fair share in an entirely different way than your original thought process. I went to school and came back home a different person. I would say that in the span of this week alone, I learned a lot and even set aside my pride for the more important things in life, but it's too soon to be the judge of that. 

Here's something I'm going to have to get used to: it's never ever going to be the same again. Since we're all good at pretending here at Sri Aman, it's okay, even for maybe a moment or two, for it to feel like old times again but the reality hits hard if it hits at all: that there's no going back, that there's no turning back time, that there's nothing even closely resembling that. It's new, it all always is. Fixed, mended, broken, torn to pieces and burnt, it's still relatively new. Clean slates. That's what New Years were made for. 

Changed the dynamics, so much so that I'm left kind of confused and kind of angry. For letting it all slip and for letting it all come to ruins in front of my very own eyes. Maybe I should just keep reminding myself that there's really nothing in the whole wide world I could have done to stop anything because it's fated. It was all fated to happen and it has all brought me here, facing my mistakes and facing my troubles and someone somewhere is expecting me to fix everything and I'm trying. God, I am trying. 

Lights will guide you home,
and ignite your bones, 
and I will try to fix you. 

Funny, this post was supposed to be quite happy go lucky. But, anyways, I'm not going to give my acceptance speech now, way before Birthday Weekend. I guess I'll just wait and hold on first because this year, no impressions will be made upon speculations and assumptions. 

I'll never let go of you nor you nor you. I'll never let go of the past but I am taking the necessary steps to move forward. If that's not progress, I don't know what is. 

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