The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

your words don't translate and it's getting quite late

My worst nightmare: that one day any girl will take my spot. That one day a girl will sit with you, laugh with you, smile with you, and have a good time with you. That one day a girl will realize that you’re amazing. That one day that girl becomes your girlfriend. That one day she takes my spot for good. That one day you will forget about me because you’re busy thinking about her. Yeah, that scares me the most. Because, I want to be that girl. I want to be only girl. I don’t want anyone to take my spot. Why? Because, if anyone takes my spot; there won’t be anyone else who can take yours … which is probably going to be the worst reminder that I lost my spot to her.
This is complete and utter bullshit. I'm not saying I won't be broken hearted if I did break up with M (again) and I'm also not saying that our relationship romantic friendship doesn't mean anything to me, because that's not the message I'm trying to convey. I'm saying that I will get over it, realize that it wasn't meant to be and get up on my feet again because I am not this girl. I'm not this girl who thinks that there's only one guy out there for everyone. I will miss him dearly but I got through Elizah pretty fucking flawlessly, if I do say so myself. And it was fine. And I was fine. And nobody, not a single girl, should have this mindset.

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