The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, December 17, 2010


I'm in the car, on the way home from your house. I was thinking about you just now. About what happened. In your room and all I can say is that, it's not like that. It's never ever been like that with you. All through the year, I've never tried to get close to you just to make you fall in love with me. That was never my intention. It's still not my intention. The problem is that I'm in love with you and obviously you do not reciprocate my feelings. 

Or at least that was what I thought. Until it happened. 

We were in your room just minutes ago. When it was time to leave, I was the last one out. I asked you about some of the books on your shelves. I said that we had pretty similar taste in books but I lied. I like classics and you read contemporary young adult fiction. So what? Then I headed over to your bed. In my mind, I wasn't planning anything. I didn't meant to say that you looked good right then. I meant to say your room looked good because God knows I love your room. I do. It's like every time I'm in there, I just feel so much closer to you. 

Your bed was huge and there was more than enough space for you to sit down next to me, which was exactly what you did. Your room was always bathed in yellow light so it was hard to see your face, especially since it had started to get dark outside. I said I had to go then and you said OK. We both knew this could be the last time we see each other for days, months perhaps. 

I told you I'll still text you and you said you'll do the same. We moved in for a hug and I know it was wrong but then again you did too. I got off the bed but you hugged me again, from behind this time. I turned around to say a final goodbye but suddenly we were kissing.

And now my brother is sitting next to me in the driver's seat, driving me home and I'm still thinking about the feel of your lips on mine and how after we kissed, neither of us said anything. I already sent you a text a few minutes ago but I know that there will never be a reply. 


So anyways, I can't believe I wrote that. I had actually mentally pictured it about ages ago (a few days into the school break) and I just thought that I'd try writing it down. What am I trying to prove, exactly? I don't know. But you know what, I was right. It doesn't make a difference. Never has and never will. 

So what do you do then? Now that we've come this far, what do you say to that? What can you do to remedy the situation? 

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