The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Nutjob




This is really psychotic and you're not going to want to read this. Just like a previous post of mine, I'm keeping it on here for motivation and because I don't really want it clogging up my personal blog. But since this post would be so boring without it, I've included some nice Christmas-y pictures up there. One, two and three.

Different, I guess, in the sense that a) present tense and b) second-person narrative. Ballsy.


Come home from school, legs almost passing out underneath your weight, heart still running a marathon and your mind just wants to shut off. Going to sleep is your mind's number one wish but against your fatigue, against your need for rest, your desire to succeed wins. You shrug out of your school clothes and walk downstairs to grab lunch. Sitting in front of the television, little multitasker, you eat, watch television and complete your homework at the same time. 

Two hours later, you're still far from fully rested but you aren't hungry anymore and you have finished all your homework assignments. You head inside your room to pray. After that, it's down to business. Study, study, study until it was time for Asar, and then you take a quick shower, pray, read the Qur'an and eat dinner. Two hours on the computer.

You sleep at midnigt after some more studying. You wake up the next morning and have a cup of strong coffee before packing up for school, showering, praying, getting dressed. Before heading off to school, you check a few things on the Internet and then focus on memorizing things for Islamic Studies.

This routine continues on for the first half of the year. You skip as many sports practices as you can. It's not just at home, it's at school, too. You take notes when the teacher's talking, you keep your mini notes with you during recess duty and you read ahead whenever you're bored. Every weekend, you head over to the National Museum with your History reference book in hand, memorizing things and scribbling notes and highligts in your book. It got to the point where the people who work at the museum knew you. On Sundays, you read on BM novel. After Midterms, you have to face trials.

Certainly it is not too much effort, you will think when you get back your trials results and find them all to be a hundred percent perfect (except for BM and Maths but they were still A's, nonetheless). Certainly it will be worth it.

By the middle of the month, you start reading Form 4 material. You still keep working on your BM and Maths. A month to go until PMR and you start revising again. Sleeping at 1 and waking up at 6. Going over notes in your head on the ride to school. Working on practice essays nonstop during weekends. Coffee has become your best friend and the Internet, a mere stranger.

A week until PMR and you have started to relax. You try to absorb as much as you can on BM but ultimately, you moment is here. You try your best and surely, months later, when you get your perfect results back, no one is shocked.

Not a big accomplishment, considering PMR isn't even a big deal. But it has paved the path for your SPM glory. Two years later, you are getting teased about how hard achieving A's is going to be. You still refuse getting extra tutorial lessons because you know the only person who can teach you is you. Most of your classmates buzz when they hear news of your perfect Biology, Physics and Chemistry papers.

It might not mean much, working your ass off for PMR, but it's going to mean something later when SPM results are announced and you pass with flying colors and the school even has you pegged as the top student in school. And it's going to be a pleasant nonsurprise when they announce that you have gotten the highest results for all of your subjects, even BM.

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