The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Nothing


I know the whole ‘fuck this I’m going to die anyway’ thing has been done to death but I honestly feel this way right now. Thank you God for allowing me this moment of clarity. Life isn’t something that I can control but the afterlife is and this year I’m going to work on that.

I can’t make myself hate the people that I like and I can’t like the people that I hate but I can stop focusing so much on what I think of others and what others think of me and instead focus on what I think of myself and more importantly my relationship with God.

I've been blessed with something not a lot of people have and I should neither abuse it nor indulge in it too much. I've been blessed with the possibility of success. Like, I keep telling everyone: you can have high hopes and dreams about being the smartest girl in school (or maybe even the entire country) but it doesn't necessarily mean you can actually achieve that. The possibility is real for me. This is real for me. 

I don't want to even try to be perfect. I want to try to be better and hopefully by the end of the year, I'll be the best. Resolutions of last year: 1) Never EVER miss prayers (sorry), 2) Be a better prefect (whatever, I kind of give up with the whole perfect prefects thing), 3) Perfect attendance (shit, this is so funny), 4) Study harder (nope), 5) Be nicer in general (never), and finally 6) Fuck what others think (YES - the only thing I managed to accomplish!). This year's resolutions: 1) Do good, 2) Be better, 3) Be the best. 

Das Beste oder Nichts 
It means "The Best or Nothing". 2011 quote of the year.

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