The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, December 3, 2010

His Room is Cold Now

She's walking up to him so slowly
It's about time, it's about time to fly away 
But wait, this one is different 'cause she's lonely
Fold your wings, you'll need them more some day. 

It's not easy, I've realized, to be what I am. There's no boundaries, no clear set of rules to follow. No hidden clues and meaningful hints. What I choose to be, the life I choose to lead. Certainly neither of those decisions were governed by a set of rules. I'm drowning in a sea of my own confusion here. Sometimes I can't be friends with people at all, for fear of later on expecting too much of them.

You didn't show me the world. You only introduced me to a world in which I had no control over my own feelings. This is dangerous territory I'm treading here, what with everything I've decided to just leave in the past. Let bygones be bygones. My feelings for you then is irrelevant in comparison to my feelings for you now. We were not destined to do great things together. We were not destined to have met, even. That was a mistake.

The funny thing is, while writing down all of this, I didn't have one specific person in mind but three.

I do know that regardless of everything, I did make the decision to pursue this path. I didn't turn a blind eye to it because over time, it didn't lie low and remained dormant, it got stronger. I didn't pray to God to make it go away nor did I pray for the strength to fight it. I've accepted, as most people have come to accept a terminal disease, that I do like being me.

He's walking up to her so slowly
It's about time, it's about time to fly away
But wait, this one is different 'cause he's lonely
Fold your wings, you'll need them more some day.

i. When I first met you, I had a feeling, a gut instinct, that we wouldn't be friends. And I was right, obviously, considering the fact that we ended up falling for each other. I didn't expect it at all. For me, it all came seriously out of left field. But you knew. You've felt it before and you told me. How I laughed it off. But then November 12th happened and I decided that the whole thing was just ridiculous. You know how hard I tried to make it go away, you know how much I prayed for the strength to fight you. This year, I had someone else in my life who came, just like you, straight out of left field. No expectations but what I felt beat everything, just everything I've ever felt for anyone. Both of them. Instead of being a bitch about it, you helped me. You helped me get through all of it and I'm so honored that you had let me help you with some of your problems, too. 

ii. Never meant to meet, right? Because when I heard the news last year, I was absolutely certain that our paths would hardly cross. But I knew from the minute that I met you that I liked you. And not as a friend, per se. I also knew you were just like me, in every which way possible except for maybe where we stood, where we stand, completely and utterly different from the other. Similar we may be, but I knew your feelings for me would never surpass those of cordial friendship. So I basked in all the glory of your hugs and your smiles and your stares because I knew it was probably the only thing I'll ever get out of the relationship. Was I being a cheating whore, having these sorts of feelings for someone else, much worse, someone whom I'm as close to as you? I still don't think there's a definite answer to that, and neither numbers i. nor iii. have helped me get past that. You are special because you're the one that I could never have. For that, you hold a special place in my heart, right next to several thousand dollars worth of Harry Potter memorabilia. 

iii. This right here. These moments. Despite everything, you're still the most important. We're not invincible, we're not untouchable. We're not perfect. 

I'm walking up to you so slowly
It's about time, it's about time to fly away
But wait, I swear it's different 'cause I'm lonely
Fold your wings, you'll need them more some day.

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