The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Devoid of Outbursts, Tantrums and Heterosexuality

Can you believe this shit? It cannot be December already. That's bullshit. I still remember the sleep over that started it all, on that day right before school when I slept at Raihan's house and had to wake up early to go to school to clean the PR. And I woke up a little bit too early and read the stupidest book I've ever read by a young Malaysian author named Alicia Loh (no offense Alicia, and all the kudos in the world for breaking into the publishing industry). As cliché as this is going to sound, I honestly think I've changed a lot since that day.

Growing up is more a matter of perspective. Sure, your body changes and with it, your hormones and stuff like that but really, it's the new perspective of life that you gain out of experience and out of just all of your years alive combined. I hate writing like this but really, I don't how to write. I can write with sarcasm, I can and try to be funny and sometimes, I'll pull one out of my ass and write with sentimentalism. Remember when I started off this year with all my January posts? Remember that girl? I am so glad that I haven't changed, not a bit. I'm still who I was like three years ago, when I was just starting out with this whole identity thing in Standard Five. And yet, I've changed, as countless people have told me.

I don't mind. I didn't exactly embrace the changes that I went through earlier on this year and yet looking back, I do thank God for it. It gave me perspective and while the outcome wasn't generally satisfactory and I haven't exactly been revered for my religious pursuits, I still stand my ground and I'm happy, I guess you could say. It's not easy, to start off, and it's no fun. It adds like ten times more drama to your life but once you've started accepting things, it goes along smoother. And Helena helped a lot.

One thing you could say I definitely learned this year was tolerance. Tolerating that girl everyone hates and coming to a few dead-ends I managed to pull out of, only to discover in the end that she's got reasons for being the way she is. Plus, I didn't take any crap from her and I told her the truth when it matters most because that's the only way people will ever learn to grow. Tolerated a person who's really broken and sad, actually, but at the same time thinks the world revolves around her. I know my method of just turning a blind eye on all of her flaws was nothing short of dangerous but there wasn't any other way. There was just too much in the way for full acceptance.

Tolerating myself. Because no matter how easy going a persona I try to project, I still have issues with holding grudges against people. I learned to let to let it go because not everyone's going to live up to your expectations. Well, no one's going to live up to my expectations, actually, not even Maze, who was quite perfect on first sight.

I managed to go a whole year without throwing a temper tantrum at my extended family members, that's got to count for something, right? I mean, one more outburst (at age fourteen, at that) would have probably sent me to an anger management class. I didn't have any fights (physical or otherwise) with my brother either, although I still piss my niece and nephew off for the heck of it, sometimes. My relationship with my parents is probably better than last year. They still don't get me and I'm still clueless to the ways of the parental units but you just tolerate that more as you grow older. Obviously, they aren't perfect and neither am I. Being like the people whom I'm closest to every single day, it's no miracle or wonder that we get into our share of fights. And in my head, I do say a lot of really mean things but that's the natural order of things.

My relationship with God has taken a bit of a beating this year. However, I am pleasantly surprised to report that my faith is still not shaken. I'm still a steadfast believer in everything, all of it, the whole nine yards. A lot of obstacles and challenges have come in my way this year, has come in between me and God, and I still got past. I'm still OK. Relatively, for a 14 year old, I got away unscathed. The sins I have committed, I regret. I fully regret. And about what happened at the beginning of the year... all of that's just going to stay between me and God (and a few other people).

I think we're going to be a-okay next year. I honestly think so.

On Tuesday, I went out to buy food since this house obviously has nothing but empty cupboards and barren refrigerators. It was nice and I bought like 9 doughnuts, which was great and all. I haven't been to Giant Supermarket in Kelana Jaya in like months and I forgot they have Starbucks there so after yet another round of arguing and disagreeing with my Dad about something or another, I got him to let me stay there for an hour. It wasn't too bad. Calling a few a people, sipping my coffee and changing tables after a few minutes or so when I start to spot people staring me curiously (or creepily).

That night was Sara's (I finally got confirmation - no 'h' at the end of that) grand party celebrating You-Know-What (and seriously, you should know what) and everyone was there and everyone was sleeping over (and that was the reason for the argument with my Dad and I only won after several minutes of groveling). Dinner was fantastic and everything afterwards was just so great. I swear, I wanted to write like several paragraphs and include seventy thousand photos on the night but let's be honest, it's midnight now and I can't be bothered. Suffice it to say, I had a great time and I did bond with a couple of people I've only ever talked to in passing so the night wasn't a waste. Sadly, I think it might possibly be the last time I'm ever going to see them again together like that because we all know Sara and Danial and Cheong (Chong?) and Nips are leaving next year just like Denise left last year.

The rest of my days have been spent relatively peacefully. I finished watching every single episode of Bones and am now rewatching Community S1 and downloading a lot of music, as well as busting my brains out trying to figure out how to celebrate New Year's on this blog. Last year, I was sort of still on the picture-taking wagon but this year, the only photos in which you can spot me willfully posing are few and far between. Mostly, they're stored in my sister's camera because my sister has an unhealthy preoccupation with photographing family members (especially me because we both think I'm pretty).

On Thursday, my sister came back for no apparent reason other than to "hang" and we went out in the mornings to watch Voyage of the Dawn Treader (I steadfastly refuse to refer to it as simply "Narnia" because that is what all of my fellow peers are calling it. And you can really tell a lot of them haven't read the books. Even if they have, it's only because three of them have been turned into major motion pictures starring some of the hottest pieces of ass on Earth). Thursday morning, regardless of the fact that it's the first day the movie appears in cinemas, meant that we were the few people there plus like four or five other groups of people. Lonely life. There was this ugly as fuck girl (well, this is merely an assumption considering it was pitch dark in there, it being a cinema and all) who laughed at everything that was going onscreen. Even my sister agreed and said that the girl acted as if she's never watched television before. And her dumb as fuck boyfriend was laughing along with her for the whole two hours plus. I changed seats halfway through the movie and they laughed at me. 

We went to Subang Jaya (Empire) for the afternoon since my sister had plans with her friend. I didn't bother to remember her friend's name, though. I had bought a big ass lollipop and was enjoying my time finishing it. We had a late lunch (not really late - 2-ish, but I was starving by then and my sister wouldn't start lunch without her friend) and went to Toys 'R Us after that. Had ice-cream and macaroons after so you could only imagine how full I was, for all the pomp I had going on about being practically starved. We came home at 6 to yet another of my Dad's now trademark "Why are you so late?" speeches. 

Today is Friday (I had to ask Tumblr what day it was because I just don't keep track anymore). I'm happy with everything I've accomplished so far (which is nothing). I hope to accomplish more of nothing in the remaining weeks. 

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