The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

But I Burnt Them

If you've been a constant reader of my blog, you'll know a little something about my Sunday Night Syndrome. Basically, Sunday Night Syndrome is the feeling you get on Sunday evenings, when you're face to face with the computer and have absolutely nothing else to do, and you just feel like you have wasted your entire weekend away. School is in mere hours. You've done nothing, you have nothing to do and even if you did, you don't want to do it.

Amplify this feeling by a billion and you'll probably get what I'm feeling right now.

I wish there's something I could say to make it go away. I wish there's a magic word out there in the world, a special word, that, just by saying it, will make me feel OK. I don't feel OK. I don't want to go to school everyday and be invisible except for when I make mistakes. I don't want to imagine a life that contrasts so differently from this year. This year wasn't the best but in its urgency, in its harsh pacing, I found something that I enjoyed. I found friends I honestly like to spend time with. 

I wish that just by saying this magic word, I can feel OK about seeing you again. About seeing your name every time I recheck the class's name list. I wish there is a slight chance that next year could be as good to me as 2010 has been. I faced a lot of things I didn't expect to face, my perspectives and outlooks on life changed drastically and most important of all, some really important people left my life and some other equally important people entered it. 

Only to leave. 

There will always be this void between us, this chasm of difference between where we stand. I had to work for it, I had to work for all of it and in the end, I think I came out stronger. You've been given everything and yet you let people take and take and take and... I have no rights to criticize, no rights to say anything at all. I can only keep my opinions to myself but trust me when I say that my opinions are plenty. 

It's the thirtieth of December. 

Maze and I went out just now and I bought guitar strings and he bought guitar strings and we exchanged them and there you go. That's our birthday presents for each other. Not bad, right? At least I now have guitar strings. On a somewhat related note, I haven't played the piano since late November. I miss it but not really. There's not going to be much singing and song-writing and piano playing next year. I also had lasagna for lunch. That was a blast. I'd imagine eating chewing gum would also be on the same level as eating lasagna. 

I don't know how to end this post so here. 

No comments:

Post a Comment