The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Tired & Uninspired

Fifteen days.

Life gives you lemons, you make lemonades. Or at least that's what they say. I have been doing a lot of lemonade-making lately. A lot of things haven't changed; not at heart, anyways. I mean, I haven't changed much. I've grown into a better person, curbed some really terrible habits of mine and picked up a few even more annoying ones on the way, but ultimately, I'm still the same person I was at the start of the year. Maybe I have different interests now, or maybe I'm attracted to different types of people. What made me who I am today was who I was yesterday and the evolution wasn't really that big of a leap. 

Exam results. Well, what can I say? They are hardly satisfactory and I'm far from pleased but given the fact that others did try harder, I'll give them this. I don't try hard because one of the things I learned this year is that our education system is shit. I'll have to turn it on for PMR, of course, but otherwise, no, I don't see the point. So next year, I'll work hard for trials and I'll work hard for PMR but I won't change who I am and I won't be who I'm not just because of a stupid exam I am forced to take. 

I've always wondered what we would do in the face of tragedy. Well, while my mother was ill, I learned a lot about how this family operates and how each individual member works. It was actually really refreshing seeing my Dad care for my mother because usually all I ever see them do is argue (but as the saying goes, 'arguing like a married couple', so I don't begrudge them that nor is it terrible worrying) and when my mother came home, my Dad was so happy he was practically bouncing. My second brother, he's a mommy's boy. He took really great care of my mother. He's just one of those really caring types even though he doesn't come around often. My sister deals with things in a very doctor-like manner. Brisk, fast-paced, to the point and gentle, at the same time. One thing I noticed, though, was that Broski and I were a lot similar in how we handle illness. We chose to ignore it and instead pretend like it's non-existent. Blood is thicker than water, though, and at the end of the day, I think we're each able to look at ourselves in the appropriate light and fix our flaws. We're doing things to the best of our abilities. I can't possible ask for more. 

Friends-wise, life has been slightly rough around the edges. School is OK. I talked a theory of mine through with Nadiah a few days ago, a friendship theory I came up with. I think it was a lot similar to that theory I wrote about a year ago or something about how a person won't care about other people unless said other people are important to that person. This also happens to coincidentally correlate with the discussion topic in our English class today. Lea and I have also been talking a lot. I think at the very least, Lea uses more than .3% of her brain, and that's more than can be said for less than a quarter of the people at my school. 

If there's one thing I learned this year, it's tolerance. A lot of it stemmed from my discovery and realization of everyone's flaws. I think if I had been friends with these people a year ago, I would have burned those bridges faster than you could possibly believe. I still call people out on their shit and I think it's safe to say that I'm hardly joking when I say "I don't care" or "you're annoying" or "you're useless" (I try my best not to say the last one often, though). I just learn to accept them more and I believe that by doing that, both accepting them for who they are and calling them out on their unnecessary behavior, I'm helping the universe to make them better people. I'm doing a lot. I'm helping the universe! 

Ten points if you can figure out what I'm doing to celebrate the end of my Form 2 days.

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