The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, November 19, 2010

No Consequences

So this is my life. And I want you to know that I'm both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.
And then- you know what, cut all that crap. All that thinking and mooning and sighing and it all boils down to this: IT'S JUST UNFAIR! (Or as Nisa's Mom would say - "Shit happens.") It's just not fair Hanna and Cassandra both get to be in the same class. It's also not fair that Sau Mun and Violet and also Pei Ning and Marina get to be in the same class. And on all three accounts I'm talking about just the one class: 2H. I mean, sure, we've got Thivyaa and Divyia and Santra and who else? What. Ever. But I wanna be in 2H because that's where mostly everyone I know is. And people look at me all sympathetically and go, "You do know that 2G is the good class, too, right?" and what? You expect me to actually worry and/or question my level of intelligence (haha)? Nope. I know how smart I am and even if I end up in the worst class ever, I won't give two shits. I mean... I kinda expected to be in the same class as Cassie, at the very least... And maybe like Pei Ning and Violet and Lissa and those other smart-assed people, but... no. They get to be in 2H and I'm in 2G.
So I woke up pretty early on Thursday (I mean, considering it was a non-school day and all). At around 8, I was up and running and I woke my sister up and we had a lousy McDonald's breakfast. And I bought a book. And we saw this one guy walking around in a wife beater and plaid pajama bottoms. Life really couldn't get any better than it did that morning. So after my sister bought a load of other crap for her trip to Maldives (a bag and some toiletries), we headed home. I terribly miscalculated the time and we ended up pretty late arriving at the cinema to watch Deathly Hallows.

Nisa had already watched it (AND she was wearing a dress) so we let Intan and Afreena in first and bought the popcorn and drinks. Second time around was way better because I didn't feel the need to pee at all (until afterwards) and I could enjoy every single scene and really started to realize the smaller details and I got to appreciate some of the scenes more. All that jazz. The problem started after the movie ended.

My Dad's been on a sort of downward spiral lately when it comes to me. I mean before we left, he was all fussing over who was picking us up and... I'd actually not go into it but let's just say the whole night left me feeling angry and only served to unbottle all of my inner teen angst. I spent the night alone. I haven't exactly been active on Tumblr lately. As much as I would miss everyone, I am seriously considering just deleting my account. I could live off of Blogger and LiveJournal and some Harry Potter sites plus hacking into and living vicariously through my friends' Facebook accounts. I think I can. I won't, of course. At least, I don't think so. I've worked really hard at making friends on Tumblr and I really would not like to lose them.

The world is our playground. 

That was irrelevant - I didn't intend to include that in the post. Moving on. Friday morning was so surreal. I ate cereal. I did my hair. I packed my almost empty bag. I forgot to do about twenty-five things I should have done since it's the last day of school and all. I put on my uniform and turned the television on. Everything I do on a normal morning. But it wasn't a normal morning, was it? Nope. It's the last morning of my Form 2 life ever. I still wasn't talking to my Dad but I had to get money off of him and tell him what time I was going to go home. I was still torn on whether or not to attend the (surely lame) class party so I didn't mention anything about it.

The PR was infested with termites and even entering the wretched place tickled our legs with itchiness. RCD went quite normally (God, I haven't called it that in ages). I was even starting to enjoy that class (of course, I'll never be taking care of them collectively ever again) and some of those crazy Form 1's got some glue together and decided to stick sequins on their socks. I told them they could do it. What did it matter? Last day of school. Besides, it was fun to watch. After that, I went to class and what I did in the morning was... I can't remember, not really. I think I alternated between talking to Kai and also Divyia and watching a bunch of them play Khairin's Harry Potter board game again. Recess was too normal to be true and Hanna accompanied me to ring the last bell I will be ringing in 2010.

After recess was more subdued. It started to dawn on me - really dawn on me - that it's not going to be this way again. There's not going to be a 2G anymore because we're all going to be relocated in other classes. We're going to go our separate ways. To think, this time last year, I was hoping against all hopes that I was in the same class as Hanna and Cassie. And when I found out that I was going to be in 2G - a class wherein I barely knew anyone - I actually cried one night, I think. I don't think I even understand myself, how many people I've gotten to know because I'm in this class. How many new friends I've made. Three of you made it onto my list of Top 7 Influential People in My Life, 2010. Not Top 10, Top 7.

I put three chairs together and slept again on Iylia's bag and my vest. Divyia woke me up (damn you) and then I got woken up a few minutes later because the class list came out. Everyone was so fucking up and down, I think the whole block of cabin classes shook. Another reason why 2G rules: everyone in class was pretty fucking chill. I did go to check it out but since everyone got shooed back to class, I went back, too. Most people were still in 2G, playing their card games or board game or talking or whatever. Loads of people from other classes were outside the door, discussing their new classes.

So here's what I know: a huge chunk of 2G is going to be in 3F (including yours truly AND NISA - to quote, "I didn't know you were that smart!"). Ridiculously exciting. Since Kai told me some sad news in the morning, it really made the whole 'she got in 3E' thing sting less. Kai, along with Nadiah, Xueh Wei and some other people (Zaza and a huge bit from H), got 3E. Still. Sad, you know. Nadiah and Kai were on my wishlist. On the bright side, God has decided He's not through with us yet because I did get the second chance I was praying for. Thankful and grateful, of course, and I guess we'll never know whether or not I would be as sad if the situation was reversed (probably not). So after all the hugging, of course I decided it was of the utmost importance to attend the class party.

My Mother and Dad nagged a lot about how I didn't inform them earlier and Mother took her time to get ready to send me. I put on my new fuzzy sweater (the one literally made from fur that got stuck all over the backseat of Nisa's Mom's car) and when I got to McDonald's, Mother was "Are you sure they're here? What time will you be going home? All the nagging in the world?" and right now, I realize I am starting to get the full extent of the teenagers against their parents thing but really, at this day and age, who the fuck cares? Saw Iylia and Elyna and we headed inside and the rest was quite historically history.

I had a lot of fun. Kai had to leave early so that was a bummer but it was still a lot of fun. We ate and after that took pictures on the playground set. Nothing big, nothing fancy. Just lunch at McDonald's. And really, you know, who cares if it wasn't elaborate? Who cares if I've still got more than RM 12 extra off of the money we got back? We don't need elaborate plans, we don't need good food. It was just fun to be together. It truly was.

Qian Rui's leaving. I'm all sad and all but. You know. If, for instance, Heer Raj had died back in Standard 6, you know I would have danced on his grave (metaphorically, I think). I'm not saying anything. I don't resent her for always getting first in class. It's pretty hard to resent Qian Rui for anything because she's so... you know, Qian Rui, and it really is hard to hate her. Who knows, maybe it's hard to hate me, too, but lol, hearing myself speak sometimes I highly, highly doubt that.

Look back. Will it ever be the same?

Next year, I think things can go back to... how it used to be? Sure, I won't be seeing Nadiah and Xueh Wei and Kai everyday but I'll see Nisa (nice change). Already, I can tell that having her in my life again is going to bring some sort of balance to it. Although I do feel so terrible for what happened on Thursday night regarding my parents. I know it's not my fault but still. You know, I think this post is going to be a pretty emo and heartfelt post. I might even be able to rival Zaza's blog posts. 

Oh, Santra. Only you.

Should I do this... alphabetically? Really, no, I'll just say something to 2G first.

Dear 2G, I didn't expect to like you guys at all. I expected a lonely year because, truth be told, my year started out pretty lonely. I know I'm not the best person to have in a group, I'm not Iylia crazy or Divyia fabulous and really, other than the fact that I'm sort of smart and hates a lot of a people, there's nothing special about me. I do hope that I've at least been a good classmate to most of you (since I don't bother with making a lot of friends because even the ones I do have, I hate) (well, for the most part) (this is not making you sympathetic to my plight at all, is it?) and if not, I do apologize. In fact, I apologize for everything that I've done and especially the things that I've said and even though I probably don't mean this, I do wish you all the best. The year's been a blast (most of it, anyways) and 2G has played a big role in making this year great. No regrets. At all. 

Dear Nadiah, I thought you were a righteous pinhead last year. I am, however, glad to know the New You, the one who prays during recess with endless devotion. It's been good having you around. Sort of like a conscience (since we all know I don't have much of that). It's nice seeing someone who's so nice and sort of pure (even if you do have your faults and occasional pinhead moments, it's all pretty much forgivable) and I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to because I do have my own beliefs and I stick by them like a boss. You've been great and I'm going to miss having you in my class.

Dear Divyia and Xueh Wei, I'm writing you a joint "letter". I love you guys a lot and I don't normally say this, but you guys are great. I'm going to miss Xueh Wei next year, a lot. You've kept my days sunny and my smile up. I've never exactly been angry or disappointed in either of you because you're both like the most awesome people on Earth, right? I don't know.

Dear Kai, I can't even begin to write about how much you mean to me so I hope you know. It's not easy being friends with you when you're me, I hope you've realized. We're really, at heart, so different, it's amazing. I mean, you've got your truckload of friends and acquaintances and I hate people. It was difficult to adjust, I've got to admit, and after Mid Year I just sort of went 'fuck it' and decided to ignore all your faults. And that made things turn out better, didn't it? If we lose contact or drift apart I just hope you at least know that meeting you was great, being your friend was unforgettable and getting to know you was fantastic.

Dear Pri, here's to next year. May it be better.

Do you love me enough to let me go? 
To let me follow through 
To let me fall for you, my love
Do you love me enough to let me go?

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